All I Want For Christmas Is You...So Long as you leave the Ugg Boots at home

So I'm sitting at home contemplating my next movie choice. Its Sunday and its been a wonderful day of laying about and watching movies. I did leave temporarily to go to Target to acquire the latest installment in the Harry Potter series but have remained a hermit ever since.

Snowpocalypse 2k9 took everyone by surprise but I love snow and had a great weekend of Holiday parties and gatherings with good friends.

Since I'll probably be MIA for a while I'd thought I take a moment to write a nice little holiday posting to send us off in to the new year. I'm very much looking forward to Christmas but I know two days in to being home with my parents I'm going to want to strangle my mother and come back to the solace of DC. I'm going to try to remain as sedated as possible by imbibing lots of bourbon and sitting in my room watching ridiculous amounts of tv. This year will be a bit different because my grandparents and aunt and uncle will be joining us. My mother is going to be through the roof with stress because 1. Its company she has to entertain and 2. She works retail at Macy's and will probably be working ALL the time. Being cranky from working long hours and entertaining the inlaws mixed with menopause makes for a Lifetime movie: I Hung Myself at Christmas Because I Couldn't Deal with My Mother: The Ray Bracken story.

In all honestly I hope its not that bad and I enjoy my time there. I will be getting an iPhone for Christmas and will hopefully be preoccupied with playing with that for five days. I'm a little annoyed though because I have a completely and truly gay tradition of getting drunk and watching Beauty and the Beast while my family is at Midnight Mass. If my grandparents don't accompany them then I won't be able to pop in the VHS that truly kicks off my Christmas holiday. I have a back up plan though... my roommate has the DVD version of the movie and, aside from having to trek downstairs every time I need a refill on my cocktail, I should be able to hole myself in my room and enjoy the disney classic that makes my Christmas Eve... well... Christmas Eve! Go ahead and judge but nothing says hello Christmas like inappropriate amounts of bourbon and Angela Lansbury as Mrs. Pots :)

But judge away, lord knows I've judged you enough.

Not sure what the latest trends are in gifting this year. I didn't ask for much. The iPhone, a suit, Grey's Anatomy on DVD, and some cologne. Totes doable! I feel bad that I didn't get anyone anything but money is a bit short at the moment mainly because some fuckface decided to break in to my car. Hello bill for having to replace my passenger side window. Happy Holidays Bitch! Hope you're enjoying my digital camera and passport... oh and all my bills from parking tickets that I haven't paid since February. Does that mean I don't have to pay them? "Sorry Fairfax County... my bills were stolen, can't pay! BYE!"

Still on the hunt for a boyfriend. That's nothing new. I asked for one from Santa last year and got it... but we all know how that tragedy ended. This year I'm going to enjoy my iPhone and the Grinder application and just have as much sex as possible. Kidding! No I'm not... ok yes I am but only because I'll just go out and find someone in person. Makes being a whore more satisfying I think. In any case, I was told I have a big personality to deal with. True, but as my coworker put it "If you don't like it, keep walking!" Boom! And I agree. Oh well no point in thinking about it to death. I have much better things to do with my time... like eat my Ka-Pop popcorn and catch the latest episode of Modern Family!

Happy Trannydays :)

See you in the new year!

MWAH!

JJ

Rude! You Can Have a Diet Fresca!

Oh Boy! Its been, per usual, lots of weeks since my last posting. I'm not going to apologize because:

1. I don't have time to blog on a regular basis...if you're one of those people who do then you

a. Have way to much time on your hands or;

b. Feel that self entitled to share every moment of your, probably uninteresting, life with the blogoshphere.

2. I don't apologize to anyone unless its court ordered.

I don't really have a particular topic for this posting other than to share a few thoughts and experiences I've had over the past month. Lots has been going on with work, also per ususal. We just opened a huge version of As You Like It. Let's all cross our fingers that it does well financially. If not, then I'm placing bets you're going to find my body on the news because the costume and props shops took the company hostage and systematically killed everyone with sewing needles and hot glue guns, starting with the Senior Staff of course, because its the biggest show Shakespeare Theatre has ever taken on. Failing is NOT an option people so come see the show, bring all your friends, and spend lots of money in the gift shop during intermission. This girl has bills to pay and needs your money to pay my salary so I can get my monthly supply of spaghetti o's. Real. Situation.

Personal life. I'm not sure where to begin...the random hook up or the potential new guy. I'm not sure that I want to go in to either. Random hook ups can be satisfying but its not really who I am. However desperate times dictate that its a necessary part of a normal homo's life. Ask any gay man. If they tell you that they don't every go home with anyone they're probably telling you the truth because they subscribe to Manhunt, Grinder, or default Fact. Of. Life. Potential new guy...blah. It was going great at first but then defaulted to email tag and tentative plans to get together that didn't pan out. Its fine though. Can't force things to work out. Besides its holiday time. Plenty of opportunities to meet a handsome gent at a holiday party complete with bad sweater choices and terribly made baked goods. Thank goodness you can't screw up vodka. However, we all know what happened last holiday season...I met Rescue Me Joe. Needless to say I'll take better care to avoid that situation again.

In following suit with my lack of money (because I work for a non-profit and have the salary of a first year secretary who's still learning how to use the copier on the 4th floor while casually swapping dating advice in the break room whilst eating my lean cuisine) please refer to last year's Christmas Post. I've decided to stay away from the pine cone motif...it was so two Christmas's ago. This year I might upgrade to hallmark holiday cards that express how much all of you mean to me during this holiday time. I love handwriting notes...mostly because I like my own handwriting that much...but it'll be a nice gesture and way less work than arts and crafting my way through Christmas!

Thanksgiving has come and gone and I hope you all enjoyed growing extra buttcheeks with the amount of food that's traditionally consumed on this holiday celebrating our gratefulness of the Native American race being wiped out to make room for our Starbucks :) My mother was acting like a tranny as always...even more so because we had the in-laws over and my aunt and uncle over. Stress level...through the roof. I wanted to feed her a colonopin and a glass of wine and sit her on the couch but, I was too busy consuming all the red wine and bourbon I could get my hands on and holed myself upstairs playing Mario Kart on Wii with my brother and sister. Straight Lady came too because she didn't get to go home for Turkey Day. It wasn't quite the hot mess of Spanks Living 2K8: please refer to the Rainbow Plant post last November. I would link it but its not working and I'm moving on.

All in all life is what it is at the moment. Still trying to financially right myself in this economy. I've tried embracing a lot of the Recessionista lifestyle as possible...particularly by bitchslapping the Walmart with my credit card when I visit my parents. Nothing says Recessionista like 88 cent cans of spaghetti o's and all the $2 bags of doritos one can get your hands on!

Please be wary of your wardrobe choices this Holiday season. Chances are if Forever 21 thinks its in style...might be a good idea to stay away from it. And I will not waste my time harping on appropriate footwear. You should know my opinions on that subject like the back of your hand! And it should always be understood but I'll say it again: Kohl's, Tranny Max, and Marshall's = mexicans and bad bargains. Stay away! Hit up Macy's; they are always having a sale!

Much love!!

JJ

P.S. Here's to New Year's! I'll go ahead and clarify that I'll be hitting up the usual gay places on 17th in DC. No lines, no covers, easy bar access. I will not be going anywhere near places that want to charge me $120 for an open bar and cold appetizers catered by Safeway with thousands of straight people that don't know better than to get shitfaced and throw up their champagne on their newly purchased dress that probably came from Target. You're more than welcome to join me :) Won't be quite the same as, say NYC, but you couldn't pay me enough money to be there on New Year's anyway!

Attention: Emergency Bulletin

I appreciate Straight Lady and would die without her. Even though she owns pink crocs, I will compromise for the sanctity of our friendship and our unborn child so named Skimpleshanks.

JJ

Update: My Life and Things Not Appropriate To Buy From Target

For real, I've been terrible about keeping up with the blog lately. No excuses. I'm just lazy and I haven't really had that many terribly exciting things to discuss and share. Which could be a good thing. Maybe you all are taking my advice and thinking twice before leaving the house in what you think is a good outfit which, in essence, means the blog is working ;)

Anywho, in my last posting I stated that my celibacy streak was over. Now don't get too excited it barely even counts. I totally only made it to second base but, I still counts none-the-less...and therefore I must divulge.

A couple Friday's ago I was left to my own devices and met a couple of friends out for drinks without the watchful eye of Straight Lady. Sometimes its good to leave the ball and chain and her CROCS at home, it usually leads to bad decision making and, in conclusion, a good story the next morning. Ok so I'm at JR's (the usually watering hole) and I have maybe one too many cocktails. This gentleman we'll call Mr. Nice Guy caught my attention early on in the evening and complimented me on my outfit which included a certain purple argyle sweatervest. (I need to get a new one as I'm sure my friends are tired of seeing that one because its the only one I own and a quick fix to me not knowing what to wear that evening). It happened again later in the evening and at this point I was like alright maybe I'll get something out of this... its been 4 months.

There's a lot of flirting back and forth and a lot of awkward moments between me and the boy Mr. Nice Guy was paying attention to before I walked in to the picture. What can I say, I'm pretty to look at. Eventually he leaves and kind of in an annoyed way. So, knowing how to play the game I texted him and, not to my surprise, got an invite back to his place. Now, I'd like to step in and make a disclaimer here: I was not doing anything for the sole intention of having a random encounter. We had previously discussed dinner plans the following week which I agreed to; it just so happens I wanted dessert now. I'm not patient sometimes.

Let's fast forward to the next morning. I wake up and the flood of memories of what just happened to my life in the last 12 hours come rushing back in. Mr. Nice guy and I went to bed, got naked, and then nothing happened. He liked me so much that he didn't want to fool around. FML dude, I could have kept my underwear on...tiny as they were, they couldn've stayed there. THEN I remember that he has friends coming over shortly to meet him so they can all go on the Cancer/AIDS/Sickle Cell/Polio/Tranny/I Love Life Walk?? and I'm like...Time. To. Go....Now! I begin to gather my things and proceed to put on my shoes when the phone rings; "Yeah give me a second, I'll be right there." Seriously fucked here as the apartment is a small studio with one entrance and yes, I had to walk past his two friends who had no idea I was there on my walk of shame through the gayberhood on my way to my car.

It was definitely an experience I don't care to ever relive. Not only did I need to go home and finish a few things that got started but never finished, but I did the walk of shame for nothing. We tried to plan dinner for the week, but I was sick, he was busy, plans kept changing, blah blah blah...vom. Eventually we met at JR's the following Saturday where there were literally a dozen people I was conversing with. I'm not sure if he was drunk or just that clingy but he left after a while and I got a text message that said "Guess you lost interest. So I went home."

Wow. Who died and made you Queen of Genovia because I did not vote for you! Well I'm sorry he felt that way but, seeing as how he really didn't know anything about me, my dating history or without me running a background check to make sure his work attire didn't come from Target layaway; that reaction was not warrented. Sure he's a super nice guy and probably just as lonely as I am in my search to find one true love, or at this point a good lay BUT slow your roll. I'm the clingy one, I can't be babysitting anyone but myself bitches. Mmmmkay?

On a completely different tangent. I marched in the Equality March this past Sunday. Awesome! Heard a couple choice speakers give their two cents to the cause and got a beautiful glow that will save me from having to apply extra self-tanner for the next two weeks. Sweet dude! Seriously. Bronzer compacts can be expeeeeensive!

Upcoming events: High Heel Race. I'm not participating but eagerly watching from inside the warm bar with a cocktail. And Halloween. I need cute costume ideas. Right now the front runner is Risky Business. A Christmas Carol. Not sure I'm in it but I'm costuming the mother. That's all. BYE!

Love you mean it! (most of the time)!

JJ

Mama Mia, What an Evening!

As you may recall in my last post I was about to entertain the Vice President and his wife, Dr. Biden, for an evening at the theatre. Let me share with you my evening.

I was gearing up all day to meet the Biden's. I met with the Secret Service to go over the entire building and choreograph their entrances, exits, and emergencies escape pods. (Ok well they didn't have those but they might as well have)! Anyway, they leave and I go back to the office to round out my day before heading back to the theatre to meet them again at 6:15.

Ok, I need to interject for a second. I began writing this post over a week ago and then failed to finish it...so I'm going to do so now and then proceed to post another entry because there have been developments in my celibacy streak...more to come.

Alright, back to the Biden's. So I head back to the theatre to meet the Secret Service Agent...who, by the way, was hot! We go over the plan again and I have been tasked with closing the loading dock door once the Biden's were in. After which I was to enter the theatre and await to be introduced before taking them to their seats.

I had one job to do. ONE job....and I fucked it up.

Apparently there isn't just one open/close panel but two. The one I saw was inside the loading dock next to the door. So I'm thinking "I'll press the close button, the door will come down and all will be right with the world." The car pulls up with the motorcade and the parks in the loading dock. I get the signal from the hot SS agent and push the button. The button I have just pushed activated the metal door above my head, not the one to the outside. I quickly press stop and frantically look at the SS agent who's telling me its inside and half yelling/watching over the VP and Dr. Biden. I begin to freak out, quickly look around inside for another panel to close the loading dock door and eventually find it hidden behind the propped door.

Needless to say, matters of national security should not be placed in my hands. Ever. Again.

To wrap up, I meet the Biden's (super nice) and take them to their seats. After the show I escorted them backstage to meet with my bosses for a photo op and Helen Mirren and Dominic Cooper were waiting backstage as well. I was pleasantly taken aback and standing amidst all of these people. It was quite a surreal moment but amazing. To top it all off I also met Amanda Seyfried who happened to fly in to see Dominic. Yes, folks, they are dating.

It was funny...she was dressed all in black and I thought she was just another backstage crew person approaching the Vice Pres with Dominic. I was about to be like "back the fuck off bitch" when the VP's assistant turns and asks me if that was the girl from Mama Mia. I did a double take and was like Oh Em Gee. It is. She came over to stand next to me while photos were being taken. I shook her hand and we had a pleasant conversation about her visit to the white house earlier that day. I wanted to ask her if she had any upcoming projects we can look forward too, say something like "Jennifer's Body 2: The Angry Vagina?" but I refrained.

So that's my story about how I met the VP and almost caused a national security crisis :)

JJ

"Practice your curtsy for the Queen..."

Ok folks, I've been missing in action before just as I've been missing in action now. Slap my wrist, spank my ass and call me a sloot. Well, don't really call me a sloot; goodness knows if that was the reason I haven't been writing then you should be rejoicing. Instead I've been completely engrossed in work for the past month and haven't found the time nor the energy to write about anything worth reading. I don't do boring and, hopefully, neither do you. Unless of course you enjoy many quiet evenings at home with your cat and your newly purchased pumps from Target that you acquired at the same time as your monthly tampon supply and potting soil!

Anyway...work. As boring as that is to most of you, I have a different experience. In the past month I've worked Shakespeare Theatre's Free for All (amazing), put together a 20 year history slide show of the company using Mac programs that I had no familiarity with (enlightening), met Helen Mirren and Dominic Cooper (breathtaking and tingle inducing), and am now gearing up for escorting the Biden's around (kind of really cool). I have to take the perks where I can get them and I've been told that I name drop a lot. To my defense, not having a boyfriend, sex life, or prospects of any kind this is all I got so take it bitches or leave it :)

I believe, in my last post, that I stated I was going celibate and have stayed true to that. I mentioned, or maybe I didn't that I wasn't going to go to a gay bar as long as possible. Well, that didn't last very long BUT I've stayed true to not putting myself out there and trying to meet people. I'm still a lonely guy but I'm still focusing on fixing myself and getting my life back to a place that I can be at ease about.

I did have a small slip but, I think a good one. I sent The Ex a facebook message. Pathetic, I know...but part of me needed to do it to get the final say. If you know me well enough you'll know that I always have the last word whether I'm wrong or right in the situation. So yeah, I sent him a message explaining that I'm tying a bookend to certain parts of my life. I wrote it expecting one of 3 things: 1. Getting a response in the positive. "I miss you. I was stupid. Let's have coffee and talk about this. 2. A thank you for my honesty and words, however, nothing has changed for me. and 3. Nothing at all.

Let's all guess what my response was. Oh, come one. Its not that difficult and I can't be made to feel any less or more than what I've already set my mind to...soooo guess.

It was 3. Nothing. Nada. Thanks for playing. Don't come again. Go away. All of the above.

For a hot second I was pretty torn up about it. Then I realized the reason I sent the message in the first place. It wasn't to illicit a response. It was to get all that I wanted off my chest and finally get the fuck on with my life. In retrospect I'm glad there wasn't a response. It finally proved to me that nothing is going to change on that end, and even though I still love the idea of the life I had when I "thought" I was happy is gone and isn't coming back. And you know what, I'm better off for it. I've seen The Ex since and I thought I would want to throw up in my mouth but I was OK. Shocking. I think the thing that bothers me now that I didn't realize before, is that I don't miss The Ex, I miss the idea of what I had with him and what I was looking for constantly over the past year and a half.

Its time to stop looking for Mr. Right and start living life.

I may be half in the bottle right now typing this but, isn't that what blogging is about. To dump one's thoughts and emotions into writing in hopes that you'll get it all off your chest. Well, friends, its working. My life is turning a corner and I'm ready.

On a side note Grey's Anatomy starts this week, I'm moving in to a new place closer to work, and I'm setting goals and reaching them. Am I still lonely? Of course. I haven't met one person that is single that doesn't think about that perfect relationship. I don't ask for a lot but I won't compromise on what I want. Get on board, or get out of my way. I suggest you do the same. Time is against us, gay or straight, but it doesn't have to be an uphill battle. Find meaning in things that make you happy and change the things that you can.

If its one thing I've learned the past year and a half, is that people come and go as quickly as a one night stand; but, in the grand scheme of it all it doesn't have to rule your life or how you live it.

Here's to better postings about the season to come. I can feel the Fall fashions of leggings, eskimo boots, and inappropriately worn scarves coming to fruition. Watch out. No one is safe. Including Straight Lady and the recently discovered, knock-off version of pink Crocs I found in her car.

I know, sinful.

Just Jack

I don't Twitter, Tweet or anything else of the sort...

But I will write a short blog and update you all accordingly...

Not much to report but its been a week since my last post so I feel the need to write something so I don't dry up completely. The last thing I want is for my readers to get bored and venture elsewhere to get there weekly dose of hard truthful advice about your mismatched outfit, bad dating decisions, or just overall advice about your life and what I know you're doing wrong with it!

Anywho...onward to the following:

1. One week and 3 days of Queerdom isolation. Well, except for Showtunes last Monday but that was already planned prior to the declaration and therefore grandfathered in and doesn't count. I feel as if its going well. Cold turkey is always tough and its actually turning up my libido because I know I've cut myself off...but I'm pushing through!
   
2. A good friend of mine is getting married and had the kind decency to invite me to her bachelorette party. One token gay and a group of straight girls. Let's just the night lived up to every expectation of what a night like that could be including a bright pink sash, tiara, and a giant inflatable penis which we affectionately named Pedro. Overall it was a good time...there were some girls that I could have done with out. Their choice of black cocktail attire was atrocious and flip flops are never a suitable "going out" shoe unless your a guy. Most of the girls were adorable and had on heels (good girls)!
3. I spent all day today doing nothing but sitting around the house and watching movies and playing the piano. My parents moved my sister in to UVA for her freshman year. My mother is a hot wreck...they just got home actually and I already want to club her in the head with my vera wang cologne bottle sitting on the counter and fixing a mixed drink.
4. That's all, its late and I don't care enough about anything at the moment to write any further.

Peace, Love, and don't bother me :) Happy Saturday!

JJ