Friday, June 25, 2010

God Opened the Window so You can Jump Out of It...

Shalom Everyone,

I am now officially counting down the hours until Straight Lady is officially on her way to Lawn Guyland for the next three years. Its funny. She's going for an amazing reason (to get her PhD to help kids that were hit by cars and stuff walk again)...but everyone seems to be more worried about me. Here's how most interactions go:

Straight Lady: I'm moving to NYC to go to Columbia

Co-worker, Friend, Random Ugly Flat Wearing Hoe on the Street: That's AWESOME. (in a whisper) How's JJ?

I mean people that I've never met are asking about my well being. Like I'm going to be some kind of suicide case after she leaves. Well let me set the record straight...You are correct! I will be taking sign-ups for JJ Throws Himself Out the Balcony Window Watch 2k10. I'm fairly certain one of two things are going to happen. 1. I'll lay in bed until my legs atrophy (sp?) OR 2. I'll surround myself with constant attention for the next three years that I won't even know Straight Lady moved. If its the former be sure to stop by and dust me off so I don't become plebian looking and if its the latter be sure and think of ways to keep my mind constantly occupied All The Time! :)

Thank goodness for Starfish to help keep me sane and be my local bestie while Straight Lady learns how to save deaf babies with bad wrists.

The moving man comes tommorrow and by man I mean Straight Lady's mom. What? She's going to help with the heavy lifting. Lord knows I don't do "manual" labor. Ha! Kidding. We're all chipping in to help get them on the road as soon as possible after sharing a love embrace that might shatter the very fabric of space/time.

I miss you already kiddo. Go do great things.


Tuesday, June 15, 2010

No Thank You

I know you are all on the edge of your seats wondering when I was going to return to posting useless shit about my social life and commenting on the terrible fashion of others and my extreme hatred of places swarming with Mexican children like Kohl's and Marshalls. Well I've returned.

You're welcome :)

I decided to brush the dust off this beast and start writing again. It seemed fairly therapeutic and its been a long time since I've had to work things out so what better time to pick up the habit of commenting on your disgusting use of ballet flats and my inability hold down a boyfriend?! There isn't one that I can think of or care to for more than five minutes so here we go. I hope you're ready. Even though I'm not sure that I am...which is to say that I am actually ready but not sure if I'm going to keep it up longer than twice in three months. Its just a real situation you, as my readers, have to face. What I say now my very well be a "roll over and introduce yourself" moment tomorrow; forgettable. But we'll see.

Since we last discussed I was blissfully dating. Vom. Who does that? Blissfully date? I don't get it. It was a good go and there were some pretty fantastic times that I will and do miss but things didn't work out. Probably for the best. Its all still pretty fresh so I don't want to discuss it much further other than I did break my 30 day streak and lasted close to four months.

I always learn something coming out of these little chapters that make up my life story: This time it was that I have no business dating. I'm high maintenance and way more personality than Patty Simcox on Redbull. Seriously. But at least I recognize it and have decided that I've got a lot to work not being homeless in a month...before I will allow myself to be up for bids on who thinks they can tackle my crazy this month. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my freedom and focus on self-discovery bullshit like reading self help books, studying for my GRE's, and learning how to be a better person...

Ok. Ok. I'm saying it and I'm not even buying it. Shit. Let's be real: I'm going to dick around, read trashy gay novels, and the only self discovery I'm going to come to is what flavor of Burnetts vodka is my favorite. So far its Peach.

I now have less than two weeks until Straight Lady goes back to NYC for the next 3 years and am attempting to mentally prepare myself for her departure and a serious drop in my social life. Although without the ole ball and chain I tend to make bad decisions but fuck it! I'll wrap it in to my self discovery MO and deal with it when I'm in therapy in 10 years along with my other ongoing issues tying mostly about my mother and her smothering yet unloving personality. Kidding. Well only a little.

Well I think that's a fresh start and enough for now. Can't write about things too much then I really won't have anything to say for another posting.


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Some People Call Me Insensitive...

Some people call me insensitive to their feelings. I respond by laughing and telling them to get over it.

Anyway. How have you been? Enjoying the lovely weather we've been having I hope...WITH appropriate clothing choices. Please recall my thoughts on denim attire of the skirt persuasion in my last post! And boys, short shorts only acceptable after Memorial Day and we still got a couple weeks yet. Speaking of which...Memorial Day weekend IS in fact around the corner which means none other than the vacation trip I've been waiting for all year long: a trip to the Outer Banks to my parents' beach house! Nothing like a week at the beach with my best friends and lots of booze, sun, more booze, AND the Jolly Roger. All I'm going to say is that the waiting area has a pirate gift shoppe. Get. Out. Of. My. Face....With Excitement and Joy!!!!

Things are still going well with "The Boy." I haven't come up with a nickname for him yet. Mostly because he doesn't want to be mentioned so I think I'll stick with "The Boy" to keep on the safe, non-offending side of the blogging world. I value my sex life very much ;) Kidding! (No I'm not). We made it official. Woo! Met his mother this past weekend. Woo! My first ever meeting-of-the-family experience. It went well, I think. Went to Central for dinner...delish! I was, of course, right in saying that she was going to be exhausted by the time dinner rolled about from walking everywhere. The Boy felt the need to show her DC all in one day. And he did. All of it. All. Of. It. But she had a good time and we had a nice dinner. Next time she visits though her and I have made plans to drink wine and relax all day on the National that's my kind of lady!

In other news. I'm throwing myself off a cliff. Straight Lady has been (grudgingly overjoyed) accepted to Columbia University for pediatric physical therapy masters program. Yay for rehabilitating crack babies and hit and runs in america's loveliest of ghettos! So she will be leaving my sweet mother-loving arms in the middle of summer :( At least she'll be going to make the big bucks and support our child...or Asian baby when she gets through the program. That and buy me nice things in style to which, in my head, I should be accustomed to. In the meantime, I need to find a way to start making more money and that may be calling for more drastic measures. This kid is tired of not being able to take care of himself and live in an appropriate apartment and have a normal life without having to worry about basement bugs unless I choose to do so. This quest stresses me the HELL out.

This post is boring. Lame. Sorry.


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Yes, that dress does make you look like a Fat Sally Bam-a-Lam

Shalom and a heif readers,

Its been a few weeks since my last post and not much has changed. However! I can now fully release, to the public, that I have been seeing someone AND they have lasted more than 30 days. Yes. Shocking. Crazy! I know! I'm not even really sure where to start because the story is so long and complicated and messy...kind of like the outfit I saw on the train this morning. You get one nice day of weather and all the straight people think its acceptable to bust out jean skirts. #1 Jean skirts aren't flattering on anyone over the waist size of 4 and #2 Slow your roll with the summer gear! Its mid-March and yet plenty of time to introduce your spring and summer wardrobe over the next few weeks without dragging your size 14 ass around in a jean skirt and flip flops. I'm just sayin'.

Anyway, so this guy. He doesn't get a name yet. He doesn't even want to be in the blog so I'll stick to the bigger picture here. Jack has broken his 30 day curse. I will not proceed to revisit the history of dating disasters I've experienced over the past year and a half. You can read that for yourself. But, it seems as though things are still continuing to go well. I suppose it helped that we were friends first and my crazy was already out on the table. Front and center. Like a floral arrangement from Tuesday Morning. All in all things are really great. A few other things are also really great...but again sticking with the bigger picture. Pun intended ;)

A few weeks ago the gays and a select few vagines gathered around for Liza Minnelli DVD release party: Liza at the Palace. It was glorious. Nothing says queer like crudite and vodka/gin martinis whilst watching Liza at the Palace on DVD in front a fire. Lesson learned from that evening: Its never a good idea to drink martinis on an empty stomache and its definitely not a good idea to make your own blue cheese stuffed olives and its also not a good idea to go to JRs after. Fail. Epically. For all parties involved.

Other news: not sure I have any. Nothing remotely exciting enough to be made in to a Lifetime movie. I guess no news can be good news which is really boring news for you all. I'd really like to move out of my basement room in Fairfax and get in to the city by May. Cross your fingers. Otherwise I'll be sleeping in my Mazda3. Which is totally fine and comfy I might add. Straight Lady got in to 3.5 million grad school programs...the most important one being Columbia. Not really sure what's going to happen if she moves but I'm not looking that far ahead unless I have to...I might fall apart.

My social calendar is totes full through the end of the month and April is filling up fast. If you want to hang out its probably a good idea to make an appointment now. Seriously. Tomorrow is game night with Miss Procras and friends and then an all male version of Grease presented by the Gay Men's chorus on Saturday...Love it! That is all.



Thursday, February 25, 2010

Next Topic: No one gives a Sh*t? Stew on that!

Shalom. Good day. Hello. How are you?

So many things to talk about and so much of it off limits to the public eye! I totally contradict myself in saying that because lord knows ya'll bitches know everything else going on in my life. However, the last two months have lent themselves to quite the rollercoaster of crazy, some of which I just don't care to talk about at the moment!

I will say that I have dated one gentleman in the past two months that turned out to be crazy! Ok well maybe not crazy but definitely unique. Profile: 39 years old, in the military, a doctor. Done deal right? All he needed to be was Jewish and I'd be set for life! For. Life. We went on a few dates but he was rather intense about spending the rest of our lives together and I wasn't ready for that kind of committment. Not when I was in financial crises...more on that in a minute. So I called it off....BUT the tranny left me a voicemail message a couple days later asking someone ELSE out on a date! It was a total He's Just Not That Into You moment but, excuse me, but I'm the one Not Into YOU. Analysis: Strange coincidence and a minor error on his part to call Jerry instead or Ray? Or an act of crazy ultimately leading to my death and my life story turned into, yet another glorious Lifetime movie? You decide. Let me know. That is all on that subject!

Next topic: my finances. Due to a little angel called my Tax Return I was able to pay off all the back parking tickets I owe, my HOV violation, and renew my license plates for two years. Trainwreck Travis (me) is on its way to Shiny Time Station! I'm not completely out of the water yet, but I'm a helluva lot closer than I was 3 months ago. Hopefully, now I can fully throw all of my focus on saving money to move in to my very own apartment closer to the city. I concede that its going to be a sardine can BUT it'll all be worth it :) I'm also working a lot part time, which puts a blow on my downtime but I'm focused and moving forward and that's all there is to it!

Next topic: I have a confession. I purchased a wearable item from Target. I knowwwwwww!! It was a belt so don't get crazy. I needed a black belt and I lost mine and it was a last minute decision. I fully intend to drag my shameful ass over to Banana to rectify this heinous crime I've committed against all of my readers and humanity. I am ashamed and should be punished accordingly. Thoughts? I still turn my nose up at Kohl's, Marshalls, and TJ-Craps-a-lot so that hasn't changed!

Next topic: My new iPhone is like crack. I get it now. Fully in the club. Done! The only thing that's worse than having everything at my fingertips on a constant basis is the Sally's Spa Application. (Spanks Miss Procras.) There are no words to what this mind blowing piece of technology does to my free time. It might as well go in the addiction book for the sheer fact that it has similar effects to that of Crank. If you have an iPhone you can download a free trial version. For those that don't have an iPhone; you're a loser.

Final topic: I don't really have a final topic. I've been sleeping well. Drinking less. Working more. And all around a big happy camper. This month is the year anniversary of one of my very best friends in the world passing away so that's not so fun to think about, but I wanted to give her a shout out. I think of you just about everyday kiddo. And when I pass away some day I'd want to go with my favorite heels and hand bag too :) Love you. Miss you.

That's it for today. See you in two months. (Hopefully not though!!)


Monday, January 4, 2010

New Year's Resolutions and Your Mom

Hi Readers!

Love you! Miss you! I hope you all had a great holiday and a Happy New Year! I'm still alive after surviving five whole days with my mother! I suppose they won't be making my lifetime movie just yet but there will be plenty more opportunities to extricate mediocre plot lines from my life, give it a long title, and star Tori Spelling and Tracy Gold in their comeback television roles!

My New Year's celebrations were pretty great. All you straight bitches out there who paid $100 plus dollars to get in to an open bar somewhere are missing out on the joy of a simple dinner and after party. Nothing screams a good time than a well cooked pork loin and fantastic wine. Moving on to a party thrown by a gay couple who designed the contemporary chic building they live in makes for a great transition into an ultimately amazing evening. Going forward to JR's for midnight toasting with my favorite local gays and ending up drunkenly dancing off some of the inebriation at Cobalt until 3:30 in the morning. Guess how much that shit cost me? $36 dollars including the $10 dollar cover in to Cobalt. So I actually only spent $26 on drinks making that 75% savings compared to a lot of my straight friends. Fuck Sandra Lee and her Money Saving Meals...move over for Just Jack and Money Saving Holiday Party Planning. All told the straights this year epically failed in ringing in the New Year's without being a tranny!

As far as New Year's resolutions go. I have none. I could sit here and say I'll go to the gym more, eat healthier, be less mean but let's be honest, it ain't happening. I will say that, in this new year, I have a couple prospective dates coming up with some attractive older gentleman and I've found my twin gay. We've decided to take on the world one personality and bad outfit at a time like crime fighting supergay socialites! Loves it!

Peace out for now!


Sunday, December 20, 2009

All I Want For Christmas Is You...So Long as you leave the Ugg Boots at home

So I'm sitting at home contemplating my next movie choice. Its Sunday and its been a wonderful day of laying about and watching movies. I did leave temporarily to go to Target to acquire the latest installment in the Harry Potter series but have remained a hermit ever since.

Snowpocalypse 2k9 took everyone by surprise but I love snow and had a great weekend of Holiday parties and gatherings with good friends.

Since I'll probably be MIA for a while I'd thought I take a moment to write a nice little holiday posting to send us off in to the new year. I'm very much looking forward to Christmas but I know two days in to being home with my parents I'm going to want to strangle my mother and come back to the solace of DC. I'm going to try to remain as sedated as possible by imbibing lots of bourbon and sitting in my room watching ridiculous amounts of tv. This year will be a bit different because my grandparents and aunt and uncle will be joining us. My mother is going to be through the roof with stress because 1. Its company she has to entertain and 2. She works retail at Macy's and will probably be working ALL the time. Being cranky from working long hours and entertaining the inlaws mixed with menopause makes for a Lifetime movie: I Hung Myself at Christmas Because I Couldn't Deal with My Mother: The Ray Bracken story.

In all honestly I hope its not that bad and I enjoy my time there. I will be getting an iPhone for Christmas and will hopefully be preoccupied with playing with that for five days. I'm a little annoyed though because I have a completely and truly gay tradition of getting drunk and watching Beauty and the Beast while my family is at Midnight Mass. If my grandparents don't accompany them then I won't be able to pop in the VHS that truly kicks off my Christmas holiday. I have a back up plan though... my roommate has the DVD version of the movie and, aside from having to trek downstairs every time I need a refill on my cocktail, I should be able to hole myself in my room and enjoy the disney classic that makes my Christmas Eve... well... Christmas Eve! Go ahead and judge but nothing says hello Christmas like inappropriate amounts of bourbon and Angela Lansbury as Mrs. Pots :)

But judge away, lord knows I've judged you enough.

Not sure what the latest trends are in gifting this year. I didn't ask for much. The iPhone, a suit, Grey's Anatomy on DVD, and some cologne. Totes doable! I feel bad that I didn't get anyone anything but money is a bit short at the moment mainly because some fuckface decided to break in to my car. Hello bill for having to replace my passenger side window. Happy Holidays Bitch! Hope you're enjoying my digital camera and passport... oh and all my bills from parking tickets that I haven't paid since February. Does that mean I don't have to pay them? "Sorry Fairfax County... my bills were stolen, can't pay! BYE!"

Still on the hunt for a boyfriend. That's nothing new. I asked for one from Santa last year and got it... but we all know how that tragedy ended. This year I'm going to enjoy my iPhone and the Grinder application and just have as much sex as possible. Kidding! No I'm not... ok yes I am but only because I'll just go out and find someone in person. Makes being a whore more satisfying I think. In any case, I was told I have a big personality to deal with. True, but as my coworker put it "If you don't like it, keep walking!" Boom! And I agree. Oh well no point in thinking about it to death. I have much better things to do with my time... like eat my Ka-Pop popcorn and catch the latest episode of Modern Family!

Happy Trannydays :)

See you in the new year!