Tuesday, November 25, 2008

We're All One Big....Dysfunctional Happy Tranny Fam

Happy Tuesday Readers,

Turkey Day approaches and I hope everyone is excited to grow an extra ass cheek this Holiday Season...I know I am!! Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to reconnect with loved ones, stuff your face, and not feel absolutely guilty about waking up at 5 am to stand in line at Kohl's because they have the latest overstock of Candies shoes on sale for buy one get 4 free. Although, if that's the kind of person you are then we probably aren't friends...Kohl's? No ma'am pam!!

Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks for those things that we have been blessed with...so this post is naturally dedicated to what I am most thankful for this year! Enjoy!

First off, I'm thankful to have a wonderful group of friends that support me and help me in anyway they can in my time of greatest need. It would suck to be alone, with no friends, and nothing to do on the weekends except chat on the computer with Cyberbitch235 who's picture turns you on but really they look nothing like that in person... just to feel connected to the human race.

Second, I'm thankful for having a great family that gets along and is still in tact despite the fact that the divorce rate is the highest it has ever been, my sister isn't pregnant because she's not a slut like half the other teenagers spreading their legs for popularity and my brother is developing along smartly in school complete with a girlfriend on BC! Good call bro!

Lastly I'm thankful for my good spirit despite the harsh economic times and my severly underpaid self. At the end of the day I have a job and I'm not completely homeless, begging for scraps of food on the pavement by attracting wayfarers with my talents and abilities that include but are not limited to the following: beating rhythm on plastic drums, dancing of any kind, or simply holding a sign that says "I'm hungry and haven't eaten in 3 days" and hoping for the kindness of others to deposit a nickel in my used starbucks cup in hopes of getting enough to buy a double cheeseburger from the dollar menu at McD's!

I hope that each of you have things you are equally thankful for and you take the time to appreciate it them this Thanksgiving! Until next time...



Friday, November 21, 2008

You Are So Not Metro...Sexual

Good Morning Fellow Readers,

I woke up this morning feeling quite refreshed and thought "Today is going to be a good day!" I then proceeded to shower and pick out a great outfit fitting of my mood and got into the car. There was harldy any traffic on the highway on the way to the metro and there was plenty of parking in the garage. My mood elevated. I took the escalator down and headed towards the metro where I picked up my copy of Express and went to load more fare to my smart trip. I boarded the 2nd car down from the front and sat down...then it all came crashing down.

Let's just discuss for a minute what was going on in car #1. The person I sat next to smelled of cold cuts. Tranny. The person standing up next to me looked like a, well...tranny. Lastly there was a mentally off gentleman muttering lord knows to himself behind me. Done! I got up and went to two cars down and found a peaceful spot near the front of the train. Mind you I'm in Vienna on the way to Chinatown/Gallery Place so I was in for a long haul.

People came and went, boarded, and got off and I sat there the whole time with my sunglasses on taking in the lot. I can't help but really enjoy a good metro ride into the city. Being a silent observer of people, I, of course, look at each and every person that surrounds me. And I have found that there are always the same types of people who partake in DC's fine public transportation system.

1. The people who think that standing and reading a book/doing a crossword is a great way to ride in. I like to watch these folks in particular who try and time the metro ride just right to squeeze in an answer or turn the page just before they have to grip the bar in order to not fall into the person next to them. Sit down or find something better to do with your time! BYE!
2. The women/girls and sometimes men who wear tenni pumps to ease their weary soles on the way to work and then change into pumps or dress shoes when they arrive. Excuse me but I'm pretty sure the saying is "Beauty knows no pain!" If you can't find comfortable heels/shoes to commute in then wear flats or stay home. Sneakers are disgusting when wore with say...tights and a skirt. BYE!
3. Lastly there are the people who find it necessary to talk on the phone/crackberry. I understand that sometimes its important, but the entire metro does not need to hear about your shit on an early morning commute into the city. Keep your drunken sotries about how wasted you were at happy hour and Bobby felt you up but then hit on another girl while making out with your bestfriend's sister at Rock Bottom during $1.50 beer night. GOOD! BYE!

All in all riding the metro provides for an exciting obesrvation on human life during rush hour commute. People are in such a hurry that they rarely take the time to look around at the hundreds of other people trying to work it out just the same as you. Next time you commute in, take the time to slow down when going through the turnstile and down the stairs (the next train's coming in 3 minutes). Look at those around you...what they're doing, what they're wearing. Make up stories in your head about where they're going and what they did the night before...I find it very amusing. The commute in to the city always seems to be a little shorter when I think that I'm better off because I'm not wearing sneakers with dress pants or carrying around a big purse to make up for the short comings of my small and measley self confidence and personality!

Love you, mean it!


Thursday, November 20, 2008

You're a man...So Listen and Keep Your Mouth Shut!

So the other day I decide to attend a party that my good friend's boyfriend was throwing. I'll refer to her as Ms. Procras. She has her own blog about her inability to be on time anywhere, which you can read later if you're feeling the need to make yourself feel better about the importance of punctality.


This party was a "Pre-Thanksgiving Celebration" type thing slash Fall Party slash a big excuse for all the straight boys to coordinate their outifts with hues of brown, yellow, and burnt orange...gag me! So, with that being said I wore a brown button up shirt stripped with light blue and a scarf that matched the whole ensemble. We of course, were late to the party due to the fact that Ms. Procras procrastinated painting her nails and packing for her trip out of town the next day. She decided to skip putting on a base coat for the sake of time...Thank goodness we rescued an additional five minutes becuase that would have been the deal breaker for the evening!

So we arrive at the party and I, of course, begin judging everyone in the room. Being that I'm the only gay male I was looked upon with strange looks from the men and eager ones from the girls. (Every girl loves a gay!) So my friend and I make our rounds and say hi to people we know, including her cutie boyfriend whom I'll call Arnold Schwarzenshortie. We sit down and proceed to discuss everyone's outfit and how most of the girls look like whores and most of the men like frat boys....all told Tranny Central!

We come to one person in particular, where we proceed to discuss the back story between her and Ms. Procras. There really isn't much to tell other than the girl's a bitch which I deemed true upon my first verbal encounter with her. Keep in mind she's a red head wearing a big scarf and a mismatched vest and ugly flats...GOOD. BYE. So Ms. Procras tells Arnold about how our dislike of this Tranny who is ruining our party experience but NOT to say anything to her or anyone about it.

As a man in a relationship with a woman...one should understand that when the girlfriend states opinions and concerns, in confidence, its not meant to be told to other people. It just creates more drama and makes the girl look like a bitch, when, in fact, she was just stating an opinion.

Well that is exactly what happened Mr. Schwartzenshortie told the roommate who told the girl who then came up to Ms. Procras and well the story is history from there...

Long story short...shut your mouth men. We girls aren't telling you things because we want you to do something about it...believe me we'll tell you if we want you to spring in to action! Otherwise sit there and give the occasional nod; its what you put on this earth to do, that and good sex so make sure you keep that up too ;)