Saturday, December 27, 2008

Post Christmas Wrap Up...three words...Hot. Tranny. Mess.

Good evening people,

So I'm sitting at home on a Saturday night having a glass or 3 of wine and thinking back on the past 4 days and all the many things that I have to share with you. I honestly don't know where to begin, except the very begining...which I'm told is a very good place to start according that whore singing about do ray me.


I get home and say hi to the family. Dinner is involved, as is the vodka juice drinks I began to partake in. My family goes to midnight mass every year while I stay at home and enjoy my alcohol. (There are reasons I don't go to church.) Lately I've been having this queer craving to watch Beauty and the Beast and so, decided to take the opportunity of the absence of my family to watch the VHS we have at home. Mind you, I did the same thing last year and I believe I've started a little tradition. Family goes to church. I watch Beauty and the Beast. Done and Done. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and passed out before the family came home...perfect. Good. Bye.


Christmas! We all were, of course, up at 8. Overall I had an enjoyable morning of nice presents from the family. Presents include a new digital camera, money, and socks. Can't ever get enough socks! The rest of the day was spent watching the new verizon fios movie channels my parents upgraded to. Movies watched included: Eragon, P.S. I Love You, and Fried Green Tomatoes. Dinner was mother asked me what was wrong. The response I wanted to give her was "I'm queer, bye!" But that didn't happen. Oh well! Then I went to hang out with my friend Starfish. We went to get a drink...and by drink I mean I lost control of my face. It literally came off from the amount of alcohol we consumed. We went to Kelly's and ordered the following between the two of us: 1 miller lite, 2 or 3 vodka sprites, 2 jack and cokes, and 3 soco and lime shots. I'm expecting a 60+ dollar bar tab....OH no was $14.50. Shut the hell up! Get out of here! Well were in a good mood and the bar closed at 11 sooooooo we went home. Yeah...right. That's what should of happened. Instead we purchased a 6 pack of Mike's Hard Pomegranate Lemonade and went to the beach, sang songs at the top of our lungs, and cried about our broken love lives. How I made it home...I dunno. But I did and had to pass my father and brother who were still up to make it up to my bed where I passed out in clothes. Perfect.

Friday. (I'm going to preface this day as a really bad probably not going to be funny).

I wake up feeling disgusting. Can't imagine why...I only had 10 drinks the night before. ANYWAY...I went to visit my old friends at Chili's where I used to work. I have a very dear friend named Loren. She doesn't work there anymore but she is the very first person I came out to and bonded with when I had no one after everyone else had jobs after school and I was hosting at Chili's. She's been in and out of the hospital the past year with agressive cancer. I get updates from Chili's because Loren doesn't return my calls, probably because she's getting chemo. Well, she's 90 lbs and not going to make it much longer...did I mention she's 26? After that I went with my mom to the Catholic store to exchange my St. Christopher medal for a smaller pendant. She proceeded to call me atheist in front of the clerk and THEN on the ride home told me I should purchase a tape recorder, record my voice for a day and listen to it because I should change how I talk. Hidden meaning: "Ray you sound like a fairy." I'm not sure I have ever been more offended by my tranny of a mother.

Meanwhile...the entire time I was home I don't think I talked to Rescue Me Joe for more than a text here and there. Strange because he texts me like 20 times a day...which I I knew something was off. He's not a fan of the holidays...some people aren't, can't hold it against them but talk to me right? Nothing. So we finally talk about it when I get back to DC Friday afternoon. Things are cool, done. I'm going out with my friend J-Crew and his boyfriend Tortilla Strip and am getting excited because I am planning on seeing Rescue Me Joe after 4 days. He's going to be in the area, I'm going to be in the area...logically speaking we're going to see each other? Yeah, not so much. He went to Nellie's and I was at JR's and didn't leave much invitation to come join him. I don't hear back from him for the rest of the evening and I go home with my friends crying about my insecurities and amazing amount of alcohol I seemed to have consumed before 1. Not a good day for Just Jack.


I get a text from Rescue Me Joe saying he has been called in to work and can't make the play I had tickets for at Shakespeare as well as dinner reservations that he didn't know about. I, of course, immediately think something is wrong and he no longer wants to see me. The past four days have just been too weird when one goes from talking all the time to nothing for 3 days and not even a hello when we were 2 blocks apart. I admit I may have overreacted a bit but can you blame a girl. Here I meet this incredible person who has swept me off my feet the past 3 weeks and then all of a sudden it feels like everything is going to shit and I feel responsible. Like I somehow did something...because that's generally my pattern with men. They tend to drop me and I can't seem to figure out what about me offends people so that I'm no longer worth their time. So please let me know if you have any insight to the situation...constructive, friendly criticism is welcome. I tried to understand him but he wasn't answering me. I even stopped by the apartment but I got nothing. Later I find that he was just mad at me for being an asshole via texting but we still haven't really talked.

I go to work, I come home and proceed to watch Grey's Anatomy for the next 5 hours while consuming a pizza I purchased.

Overall I didn't really have a great 4 days...yesterday in particular. I guess I always try to live my life based on the experience I bring to the table. My experience with dating...not good. I don't know how to read people and when they begin to move at different speeds I can't keep up and I get insecure. My mother is still my mother and made me feel pretty awful about myself. What I'm trying to say is that people can't improve themselves without the help of other people. I take patience, I admit and the comment from my mother is not the kind of improvement I'm looking for. I'm me and here and now and all I can do is be the person I think I should be and expect others to do the same. Talk. Communicate. If you don't, you're just a big ass annoying tranny that no one can figure out and everyone just wants to throw an ugly pair of boots purchased from Ross at your face.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Something in a Robin's Egg Blue Box Please

Ok, so I got immediate feedback that my last post was kind of melancholy and so I guess I have to fire back with something a little more my style of posting.

With that being said, my previous posts talked about the 2 things I want most for Christmas this of which I kind of have...THIS post however will be dedicated to all the things I want. Just because I only asked for 2 things doesn't mean I don't want like a dozen things...feel free to shower my broke ass accordingly. You might just get a really awesome pair of pine cone earings and an acorn necklace to match ;)

Ray's Tranny Christmas List:

1. Dolce Sunglasses

2. Shirts (I wear a small)

3. Nice, expensive jeans (Lucky, Guess) (Waist = jealous, its ok)

4. New comforter (Queen size)

5. Season 4: Grey's Anatomy DVD's

6. Jack Spade Bag

7. Coach Messenger Bag

8. My credit card paid off (that would warrent the pine cone earings, acorn necklace, and a sexual favor performed by myself or someone else of choice!)

9. $1000 cash or check only...I can't process credit at this time

10. Laptop

11. New cell phone

12. Year long gym membership

That's completely not a lot to ask for, right? Completely doable by all! I'll be sure to register at Williams and Sonoma too so I can begin acquiring the things I'll need to be a proper stay at home husband :) It'll be under the name Anastasia Beaverhausen!

Thanks everyone and have an AWESOME Holiday!!


For Christmas I Want a Red Rider BB Gun...for the sole intent of shooting my eye out!

Shalom good people and Happy Thursday!

The big day is just around the corner and I thought it more than appropriate to address the many goings on that surround this much anticipated day. For me, personally, it hasn't really felt like the holidays. I still have a crappy paying job and left with no money to show my affection to those that I care most about. This year, I've decided everyone is getting handmade gifts from things I find in nature or around the house. Ideas include but are not limited to the following: Pine cone necklaces, used candles, shrubbery cleverly made into a scarf, and socks. (Everyone enjoys a good pair of socks! Right?)

Being that I'm a struggling 24 year old I haven't asked for much this Christmas with the exception of two things...which if you know me you'll already know what two things I'm talking about. 1. A Job and 2. A Boy. Now that's complicated because it leaves room for much interpretation to the ambiguousness of my request so let me explain. I need a job that pays well enough to meet my meager desires of youth and responsibility. In other words, bitch has got to pay his bills and have money enough to indulge in the finer things in life such as alcohol and clothes...what else? This is proving to be a challenge for me because I, along with the rest of tranny America, is struggling in this shit of an economy. Despite my resume being packed with solid experience and a personality for days, I can't get employment because I'm competing against an ass load of other applicants trying to make it work too. Thus is why I asked for a job for Christmas...maybe, at the end of the day, the fat man in the red suit can lend a helping hand and stuff an offer letter into my sexual pun intended so don't even go there ;)
The second thing I asked for this Christmas is a Boy. Though I officially am outside of my rights, at this point, to make a judgement call on that I have landed a rather personable, attractive gentlemen affectionately called Rescue Me Joe. (See previous posts for further explanation). Technically speaking I got what I wanted but we're still in the "getting-to-know-you" portion of things...which is fine by me. The last thing I need right now is a full fledged relationship to which I'm monetarily inadequate to fullfill. NEWSFLASH! Living in Gainesville is completely not ok for a city girl trying to make it..especially when one is pursuing and being pursued by probably the nicest, most straightforward person I have ever met. Which brings us back to the is pertinent that I find something suitable so I can quit feeling insecure about myself and join the rest of the professional twenty-somethings that attend things such as Happy Hours and Company Holiday parties. What are those? I don't know but I am determined to find out!
I guess all told, at the end of the day the best thing for me to do would be to pack my shit and move back home with my know, save money. In other words kill myself! Love the family to death...but that would just be a death sentence on my part. My friends keep telling me to keep going and push through but this is damn hard and I'm starting to get tired of making an effort that continues to be fruitless. I told myself that if I didn't get it together by the end of December I was going to give that I have Rescue Me Joe I have a little more motivation to keep going. At least there won't be any expectation of a lavish lifestyle with me...Joe-"What's for dinner?" Me-"Ramen and tuna from a can!" And I don't even like tuna! Ok maybe not that bad but its definitely what it feels like at the moment.

In conclusion, the holidays are just another reason to introspect on your current life situation. Mine...almost absolute shit BUT I have people I know that care about me enough to want to see me succeed and I now have Joe to stick around for and give it a good shot. I think its worth it, at least. If any of you are in my position, holler back and we'll make handmade presents from pinecones and shrubbery together. I'll provide the hot glue gun and you provide the hardships you bear so that we can commiserate on them together over a large bottle of wine...or brandy...but probably wine because brandy is expensive!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Floating on Cloud 9? What does that even mean?!

So folks, I can't really sleep despite the amazing long weekend I had but here I am. Decided to post late night to recap on the weekend and share a few things...

My weekend officially started on Thursday as I had the Friday off. Straight Lady and I planned on a girl's night in which I was more than looking forward to! She was in charge of purchasing the goods for the evening. The list was as follows:
1. Fresh Farm brand mozzarella sticks.
2. Acquire a movie
3. Merlot or Shiraz big boy bottle of wine
4. Order a pizza upon arrival

Great list...right? None of it came true except the wine. They didn't have the mozz sticks, she brought her own movies, and her account was hacked and lots of money was removed which meant no ordering pizza. Girl's night was not turning out the way I had anticipated. HOWEVER, to her credit, she did purchase (with a check) delicious frozen pizza, wine, and chips and dip that wasn't of the salsa/tortilla chip persuasion! Nice recovery Straight Lady! The night was great...we got pretty hammered and discussed a lot of things and caught up on being the best friends that we'll always be.

Friday was much anticipated because it was the 2nd weekend of the show I'm in and I was going out with half the cast to JR's to hang out! The performance went well and I went downtown with everyone and had an amazing time. The atmosphere was awesome...HOWEVER the Ex was there as was the gentleman I may or may not have went home with a month ago and never officially got a number much less a name...ooops. Made for an interesting time with him standing right next to our group. That wasn't as bad as the Ex. That boy planted his ass at the top of the stairs. 1. He always hangs out downstairs and 2. I was already upstairs. Why in god's green earth would you put yourself there knowing I would be travelling back and forth via the stairs to A. Get more drinks and B. Use the bathroom. Shalom and a hief? Why? Like Straight Lady always tells me, its only an awkward situation if you make it awkward. So I didn't...I did my thing and hung out with a great group of people from the cast and had a blast.

Moving on to Saturday...This, my friends, is the most anticipated day of the week was DATE NIGHT with Rescue Me Joe finally! The day couldn't pass quickly enough but at last it did. He met me for an appetizer at Coastal Flats and then I whisked him to the theatre for our champagne reception and to see my performance. I know it may have been a little overwhelming for a first date but, I guess one has to be thrown in the pool if they're going to figure out how to swim and let me tell you, friends, he could have been Michael Phelps for how great he was with everyone. HOWEVER, on the way back to his car (I drove to the theatre) I was pulled over by no less than a homosexual cop. Why? Because my tags were expired. How awesome was that to add to the first date experience. I was mortified but Rescue Joe was amazing and didn't care and made me feel better. Thank goodness I didn't get a ticket...probably because the cop was queer...ugh...BYE! Afterwards we went back to his place and canoodled on the couch and watched Ratatouille and then I went home. Well, not home, but to my friend's place and had a drink/talked. Then I introduced her to the Hawaii Chair...if you don't know what I'm talking about You Tube it immediately!!!!

Sunday rolls around, we had an amazing performance with a packed house and now I'm of wine in reaching distance and blogging about my life. I find it fascinating that I always seem to have an abundance of stories to discuss and feel that no one else can say they were pulled over on their first date. At least no one threw up...(that's another story all together and maybe one day I'll divulge!) I'm not really sure there is a moral of the story or silver lining to anything I've written this evening other than life is really hard right now...for me and a lot of people. But one can always expect the unexpected to pop in your life at the exact moment you need it most. You may think it should come long before it actually does, but when it happens it gives you the boost you need to keep pushing forward and hope for the best in the end. Its all any of us can do to survive...hope for the best and work with what you have!



Thursday, December 11, 2008

Happy Christmas Party...Complete with Open Bars, Drag Queen Sing-A-Longs, and Ex Boyfriends

Ok, I'm back...its been a while but I'm here and ready to continue my judgement of the world!

So Tuesday of this week I and my bestfriend in the entire world, whom I'll call Straight Lady, were invited to JR's Christmas Party that was invite only. We were super excited for the evening and got dressed up and met up with friends accordingly. I was not particularly looking forward to the initial first eye-contact between my ex and I as this would be the first time I saw him after I drunkenly professed my feelings for him via facebook. I was pretty nervous upon entering the bar and sure enough we saw each other but I quickly looked away and focused on my beverage.

All in all the evening was awesome. There was an open bar which I didn't realize at first and lots of food that had been brought over to feed hungry bellies. It was interesting to see the variety of people there. I mean, this is the cream of the crop JR's patrons. Some people dressed up and others in casual attire. I stayed in my corner for most of the evening with Straight Lady and my other good friend, Golf Cap. The bartenders were in ties and looking sharp as well. The only person I was offended upon looking at him was an old man dressed in what only can be described as a Juan Valdez poncho and looked like he was straight off a floating door from a place that people apparently never shower. The man was shoveling food from his plate to his mouth via a pita chip and I almost threw up in my mouth twice. Huge Tranny and one that needs to learn how to eat in public without looking like a homeless person ravaging over a week old sandwhich from the dumpster where his cardboard box home is currently located. BYE!

There was one person, in particular, who kept oogling my goodies all evening. Normally I would be offended as most of the attention I get is from older men who don't know when its quitting time for shopping at Abercrombie and start looking for more age appropriate clothing from, say, Macy's. Straight Lady did not agree with my assessment of his level of cuteness but I was persistant and decided to continue to make eye contact back.

Now, let it be known, that I do not approach people. I'm under the philosophy that if you are going to be worth my time you'll come to me. I know that's way egotistical but I'm a shy person when it comes to that sort of stuff and I don't like making the first move as it could open myself up to vulnerability and I don't like that! After many, many looks back and forth Straight Lady told me to go to the bathroom and that she would rope him in (thanks Straight Lady). So I did and it worked like a charm. I was then introduced to Rescue Me Joe. He's my age and works as a paramedic/firefighter for McLean, Va. Ten hot points automatically. He has a little bit of a lisp which I found endearing and all told we hit it off smartly. (We have a date for Saturday which I'm excited for!)

The whole time this was taking place my ex was standing just feet away and witness to the whole exchange which made the night even sweeter. Not only had I found a good looking guy who was all over me but it sent a message to the Ex that I can and am doing better than you. I know this is wrong to think but I can't help it. And what made the whole night even better is that I saw him canoodling with some SF blonde guy at the end of the evening. Way to aim high kiddo, glad you gave this up for something like that...drunk or not!

I guess the point of this story is that, two hours before I didn't think I would ever be able to do better than the Ex. He meant a lot to me and still does but for the first time since the breakup I felt excited and I still have butterflies when I think about my upcoming date with Joe. I know I may be putting a lot of expectations on the situation and I'm trying to focus on the fact that A. I don't know how well he kisses B. We haven't had sex so I'm not sure how that works in the picture and C. I don't know him!!! The point, my friends, is that I finally have butterflies for someone other than the Ex and proves to myself that I'm finally, after all this damn time, ready to move on. I have met someone that puts a smile on my face and even if it doesn't work out because A, B, and C turn out to be awful, it doesn't matter. I haven't a desire to be that guy who's still pining over the Ex when clearly the Ex has moved on to bigger and fatter people! Its like I have finally exhaled.

So, my reccomendations for those who are still stuck in the rut of a past relationship is...continue to pine and be pathtic...because when the time comes that you finally realize how over it you actually are, the feeling is amazing. We all deserve better than the Ex and when your day finally comes you're going to be on happy me, its been a long 6 months coming!


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Happy Spanks Living Part dos...

Alrighty...let's get back to the story.

I believe I left off after my fated but amazing experience at the Rainbow Cactus with my friend J-Crew.

Well after I got home I ended up on the computer for a drunken 30 minutes before passing out in my clothes. I did something incredibly stupid and sent a Facebook message to my ex telling him that I still missed him and hope that he's doing well. BAD idea! And through facebook? Really? I'm not really sure one can be more I guess there's nothing left to do but call myself a big Tranny Trainwreck for having the audacity to be such a loser...LAME. GOOD BYE!...damn facebook though for allowing the sending of messages without being friends with someone first! I got rid of his email address and phone number to avoid such occurences. Although, to my credit it has been a few months since my last relapse so I'm totally fine?...right?

Anyway, Thanksgiving rolls around and I was so hungover that I didn't really get to enjoy the wonderful meal my mother prepared. Although the whole experience was rather dreary because my grandmother just passed away and my mother decides to break out in random outbursts of tears at the mention of "Please pass the stuffing." My goodness. I took my siblings to Twilight where I wished that one of the vampires, who apparently glitter like fairy drag queens in the sunlight instead bursting into flames and dying, would jump off the screen and suck the life out of me so I wouldn't suffer through the boring ass movie any longer. In other words, Twiglight = it, and go buy yourself a cocktail instead; your money will be better spent.

The rest of the weekend went buy without a hitch. I had to come in to work on Saturday (Shakespeare Theatre Company) and had rehearsal and set construction all day on Sunday for A Christmas Carol which I'm acting in. I used power tools including a power drill and a bandsaw. Impressive. Although I reverted right back to the queer that I am when a 12 year old british boy also acting in the show came up to me and asked if we had any more three and three quarter inch ply left...Excuse me? I ask. And then walk away to save the little dignity I had left in that moment.

There hasn't really been anything to discuss for this week either being that I've been at work and then rehearsal all week. So I guess the moral of this story is don't get drunk at places named after a desert plant and facebook message anyone inappropriate! It only causes a big awkward mess...done!

I'm sure I'll have a better story when the next holiday rolls around...something always good comes from drinking jim bean with the old man until he can't speak straight and goes to bed and then I have two more and make more bad decisions! Yay!

Peace Out...


Monday, December 1, 2008

Addition Rainbow Plant Post....

J-Crew brought up a few valid points that needed to be mentioned in our experience that was an oversight on my part...Here is his email assessment below. Enjoy :)

Acurate description of the evenings event, JJ. But you failed to mention the stunning full zip, wool, argyle sweater I was wearing. I think we were also the only people there not wearing (1) sneakers, (2) ill-fitting clothing, or (3) indian feathers. -JCrew

Rainbow Plant...Or was it Cactus?

Happy Monday,

I hope everyone enjoyed a nice long Thanksgiving Break or at the very least a nice long weekend. And if you didn't have either one, well, sucks for you!

I had a very interesting rollercoaster of fun over the break and it all begins with a little place I like to call Tran Central Station...or, as the locals say, The Rainbow Cactus...

My good friend J-Crew and I were both home in Virginia Beach visiting family for the holiday and decided to get together for drinks Wednesday evening. I, not knowing where else to go on a Wed night in Va Beach suggested the only gay bar I knew...The Rainbow Cactus. Let me preface this by the fact that I haven't been there in over 2 least not since my spoiled existance in DC with places such as JR's and Town!

As I drive up I'm reminded about how ridiculous my experience is about to be when I remember that the bar is located in 1. A shopping center and 2. Next to a daycare. Awesome!

J-Crew and I both park, get out and walk in at 9:30pm. Good thing there's a pre-Thanksgiving party going on and the cover was waived...I'm so glad I saved that 3 dollars! I survey my surroundings, one, two, four...yep there are 6 people in the entire establishment and we make eight. What the hell, we'll grab some drinks and catch up...its whatever. There's a small group at one table accompanied by a SF (secretly fat) young man in multicolored Indian feathers and war paint. I'm so glad that he decided to dress up in festive, authentic Indian garb to celebrate the slaughter of Native Americans...good BYE! J-Crew and I go to the bar and I throw my card down to open a tab...we get our drinks and the bartender goes..."Just make sure you come back to me for your drinks all night." I take a minute to look around...again, there isn't anyone else in the bar and he is the only one serving...where the hell else am I supposed to go? Across the street to Plaza Azteca? I'm pretty sure they would at least have 9 mexicans and their 10,000 babies to make a better crowd!

Let's flash forward to 2 hours later. The bar has exploded with a multitude of people both gay and lesbian alike. Of course the women look like men and, truth be told, some of the men look like women. The comments were never ending and after 4 drinks each our opinions and judgements were as scathing as ever. Its funny to watch the crowd and observe the local behavior and what folks think is appropriate clothing to wear out. All in all there was so much ugly happening that I could barely contain myself.

Then the drag show begins...totally boring. These bitches have got nothing on the ho's at Town. I also find it greatly amusing that the bartender, left the bar to participate in giving each Tranny a dollar. I'm glad that the staff feels the need to support their own drag queens that they themselvers hire to put on a show. So I eventually get up to check my tab thinking we've hit at least 40 bucks with the 4 drinks each J-Crew and I had. So the bartender checks his pad and comes back to inform me that I was at 26$. I almost asked him to round it up to $30 so that I wouldn't feel as white trash as I did in that moment....8 drinks = $26...ridic.

Anyway, we, of course order another round or 2 and get sloshed...then we go on the dance floor where there is an abundance of bad dancing and fat people but we didn't was past the time to judge and more appropriate to let our hair down and groove with the local homosexual population.

We ended up having a blast between making fun of the patrons and dancing the night away. I highly reccomend attending the local gay bar when you're next visiting relatives. It'll make you appreciate DC and what you have right here all the more!

Thanksgiving Weekend part deux coming soon...