Sunday, December 20, 2009

All I Want For Christmas Is You...So Long as you leave the Ugg Boots at home

So I'm sitting at home contemplating my next movie choice. Its Sunday and its been a wonderful day of laying about and watching movies. I did leave temporarily to go to Target to acquire the latest installment in the Harry Potter series but have remained a hermit ever since.

Snowpocalypse 2k9 took everyone by surprise but I love snow and had a great weekend of Holiday parties and gatherings with good friends.

Since I'll probably be MIA for a while I'd thought I take a moment to write a nice little holiday posting to send us off in to the new year. I'm very much looking forward to Christmas but I know two days in to being home with my parents I'm going to want to strangle my mother and come back to the solace of DC. I'm going to try to remain as sedated as possible by imbibing lots of bourbon and sitting in my room watching ridiculous amounts of tv. This year will be a bit different because my grandparents and aunt and uncle will be joining us. My mother is going to be through the roof with stress because 1. Its company she has to entertain and 2. She works retail at Macy's and will probably be working ALL the time. Being cranky from working long hours and entertaining the inlaws mixed with menopause makes for a Lifetime movie: I Hung Myself at Christmas Because I Couldn't Deal with My Mother: The Ray Bracken story.

In all honestly I hope its not that bad and I enjoy my time there. I will be getting an iPhone for Christmas and will hopefully be preoccupied with playing with that for five days. I'm a little annoyed though because I have a completely and truly gay tradition of getting drunk and watching Beauty and the Beast while my family is at Midnight Mass. If my grandparents don't accompany them then I won't be able to pop in the VHS that truly kicks off my Christmas holiday. I have a back up plan though... my roommate has the DVD version of the movie and, aside from having to trek downstairs every time I need a refill on my cocktail, I should be able to hole myself in my room and enjoy the disney classic that makes my Christmas Eve... well... Christmas Eve! Go ahead and judge but nothing says hello Christmas like inappropriate amounts of bourbon and Angela Lansbury as Mrs. Pots :)

But judge away, lord knows I've judged you enough.

Not sure what the latest trends are in gifting this year. I didn't ask for much. The iPhone, a suit, Grey's Anatomy on DVD, and some cologne. Totes doable! I feel bad that I didn't get anyone anything but money is a bit short at the moment mainly because some fuckface decided to break in to my car. Hello bill for having to replace my passenger side window. Happy Holidays Bitch! Hope you're enjoying my digital camera and passport... oh and all my bills from parking tickets that I haven't paid since February. Does that mean I don't have to pay them? "Sorry Fairfax County... my bills were stolen, can't pay! BYE!"

Still on the hunt for a boyfriend. That's nothing new. I asked for one from Santa last year and got it... but we all know how that tragedy ended. This year I'm going to enjoy my iPhone and the Grinder application and just have as much sex as possible. Kidding! No I'm not... ok yes I am but only because I'll just go out and find someone in person. Makes being a whore more satisfying I think. In any case, I was told I have a big personality to deal with. True, but as my coworker put it "If you don't like it, keep walking!" Boom! And I agree. Oh well no point in thinking about it to death. I have much better things to do with my time... like eat my Ka-Pop popcorn and catch the latest episode of Modern Family!

Happy Trannydays :)

See you in the new year!



Sunday, November 29, 2009

Rude! You Can Have a Diet Fresca!

Oh Boy! Its been, per usual, lots of weeks since my last posting. I'm not going to apologize because:

1. I don't have time to blog on a regular basis...if you're one of those people who do then you
a. Have way to much time on your hands or;
b. Feel that self entitled to share every moment of your, probably uninteresting, life with the blogoshphere.
2. I don't apologize to anyone unless its court ordered.

I don't really have a particular topic for this posting other than to share a few thoughts and experiences I've had over the past month. Lots has been going on with work, also per ususal. We just opened a huge version of As You Like It. Let's all cross our fingers that it does well financially. If not, then I'm placing bets you're going to find my body on the news because the costume and props shops took the company hostage and systematically killed everyone with sewing needles and hot glue guns, starting with the Senior Staff of course, because its the biggest show Shakespeare Theatre has ever taken on. Failing is NOT an option people so come see the show, bring all your friends, and spend lots of money in the gift shop during intermission. This girl has bills to pay and needs your money to pay my salary so I can get my monthly supply of spaghetti o's. Real. Situation.

Personal life. I'm not sure where to begin...the random hook up or the potential new guy. I'm not sure that I want to go in to either. Random hook ups can be satisfying but its not really who I am. However desperate times dictate that its a necessary part of a normal homo's life. Ask any gay man. If they tell you that they don't every go home with anyone they're probably telling you the truth because they subscribe to Manhunt, Grinder, or default Fact. Of. Life. Potential new guy...blah. It was going great at first but then defaulted to email tag and tentative plans to get together that didn't pan out. Its fine though. Can't force things to work out. Besides its holiday time. Plenty of opportunities to meet a handsome gent at a holiday party complete with bad sweater choices and terribly made baked goods. Thank goodness you can't screw up vodka. However, we all know what happened last holiday season...I met Rescue Me Joe. Needless to say I'll take better care to avoid that situation again.

In following suit with my lack of money (because I work for a non-profit and have the salary of a first year secretary who's still learning how to use the copier on the 4th floor while casually swapping dating advice in the break room whilst eating my lean cuisine) please refer to last year's Christmas Post. I've decided to stay away from the pine cone was so two Christmas's ago. This year I might upgrade to hallmark holiday cards that express how much all of you mean to me during this holiday time. I love handwriting notes...mostly because I like my own handwriting that much...but it'll be a nice gesture and way less work than arts and crafting my way through Christmas!

Thanksgiving has come and gone and I hope you all enjoyed growing extra buttcheeks with the amount of food that's traditionally consumed on this holiday celebrating our gratefulness of the Native American race being wiped out to make room for our Starbucks :) My mother was acting like a tranny as always...even more so because we had the in-laws over and my aunt and uncle over. Stress level...through the roof. I wanted to feed her a colonopin and a glass of wine and sit her on the couch but, I was too busy consuming all the red wine and bourbon I could get my hands on and holed myself upstairs playing Mario Kart on Wii with my brother and sister. Straight Lady came too because she didn't get to go home for Turkey Day. It wasn't quite the hot mess of Spanks Living 2K8: please refer to the Rainbow Plant post last November. I would link it but its not working and I'm moving on.

All in all life is what it is at the moment. Still trying to financially right myself in this economy. I've tried embracing a lot of the Recessionista lifestyle as possible...particularly by bitchslapping the Walmart with my credit card when I visit my parents. Nothing says Recessionista like 88 cent cans of spaghetti o's and all the $2 bags of doritos one can get your hands on!

Please be wary of your wardrobe choices this Holiday season. Chances are if Forever 21 thinks its in style...might be a good idea to stay away from it. And I will not waste my time harping on appropriate footwear. You should know my opinions on that subject like the back of your hand! And it should always be understood but I'll say it again: Kohl's, Tranny Max, and Marshall's = mexicans and bad bargains. Stay away! Hit up Macy's; they are always having a sale!

Much love!!


P.S. Here's to New Year's! I'll go ahead and clarify that I'll be hitting up the usual gay places on 17th in DC. No lines, no covers, easy bar access. I will not be going anywhere near places that want to charge me $120 for an open bar and cold appetizers catered by Safeway with thousands of straight people that don't know better than to get shitfaced and throw up their champagne on their newly purchased dress that probably came from Target. You're more than welcome to join me :) Won't be quite the same as, say NYC, but you couldn't pay me enough money to be there on New Year's anyway!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Attention: Emergency Bulletin

I appreciate Straight Lady and would die without her. Even though she owns pink crocs, I will compromise for the sanctity of our friendship and our unborn child so named Skimpleshanks.


Thursday, October 15, 2009

Update: My Life and Things Not Appropriate To Buy From Target

For real, I've been terrible about keeping up with the blog lately. No excuses. I'm just lazy and I haven't really had that many terribly exciting things to discuss and share. Which could be a good thing. Maybe you all are taking my advice and thinking twice before leaving the house in what you think is a good outfit which, in essence, means the blog is working ;)

Anywho, in my last posting I stated that my celibacy streak was over. Now don't get too excited it barely even counts. I totally only made it to second base but, I still counts none-the-less...and therefore I must divulge.

A couple Friday's ago I was left to my own devices and met a couple of friends out for drinks without the watchful eye of Straight Lady. Sometimes its good to leave the ball and chain and her CROCS at home, it usually leads to bad decision making and, in conclusion, a good story the next morning. Ok so I'm at JR's (the usually watering hole) and I have maybe one too many cocktails. This gentleman we'll call Mr. Nice Guy caught my attention early on in the evening and complimented me on my outfit which included a certain purple argyle sweatervest. (I need to get a new one as I'm sure my friends are tired of seeing that one because its the only one I own and a quick fix to me not knowing what to wear that evening). It happened again later in the evening and at this point I was like alright maybe I'll get something out of this... its been 4 months.

There's a lot of flirting back and forth and a lot of awkward moments between me and the boy Mr. Nice Guy was paying attention to before I walked in to the picture. What can I say, I'm pretty to look at. Eventually he leaves and kind of in an annoyed way. So, knowing how to play the game I texted him and, not to my surprise, got an invite back to his place. Now, I'd like to step in and make a disclaimer here: I was not doing anything for the sole intention of having a random encounter. We had previously discussed dinner plans the following week which I agreed to; it just so happens I wanted dessert now. I'm not patient sometimes.

Let's fast forward to the next morning. I wake up and the flood of memories of what just happened to my life in the last 12 hours come rushing back in. Mr. Nice guy and I went to bed, got naked, and then nothing happened. He liked me so much that he didn't want to fool around. FML dude, I could have kept my underwear on...tiny as they were, they couldn've stayed there. THEN I remember that he has friends coming over shortly to meet him so they can all go on the Cancer/AIDS/Sickle Cell/Polio/Tranny/I Love Life Walk?? and I'm like...Time. To. Go....Now! I begin to gather my things and proceed to put on my shoes when the phone rings; "Yeah give me a second, I'll be right there." Seriously fucked here as the apartment is a small studio with one entrance and yes, I had to walk past his two friends who had no idea I was there on my walk of shame through the gayberhood on my way to my car.

It was definitely an experience I don't care to ever relive. Not only did I need to go home and finish a few things that got started but never finished, but I did the walk of shame for nothing. We tried to plan dinner for the week, but I was sick, he was busy, plans kept changing, blah blah blah...vom. Eventually we met at JR's the following Saturday where there were literally a dozen people I was conversing with. I'm not sure if he was drunk or just that clingy but he left after a while and I got a text message that said "Guess you lost interest. So I went home."

Wow. Who died and made you Queen of Genovia because I did not vote for you! Well I'm sorry he felt that way but, seeing as how he really didn't know anything about me, my dating history or without me running a background check to make sure his work attire didn't come from Target layaway; that reaction was not warrented. Sure he's a super nice guy and probably just as lonely as I am in my search to find one true love, or at this point a good lay BUT slow your roll. I'm the clingy one, I can't be babysitting anyone but myself bitches. Mmmmkay?

On a completely different tangent. I marched in the Equality March this past Sunday. Awesome! Heard a couple choice speakers give their two cents to the cause and got a beautiful glow that will save me from having to apply extra self-tanner for the next two weeks. Sweet dude! Seriously. Bronzer compacts can be expeeeeensive!

Upcoming events: High Heel Race. I'm not participating but eagerly watching from inside the warm bar with a cocktail. And Halloween. I need cute costume ideas. Right now the front runner is Risky Business. A Christmas Carol. Not sure I'm in it but I'm costuming the mother. That's all. BYE!

Love you mean it! (most of the time)!


Monday, September 28, 2009

Mama Mia, What an Evening!

As you may recall in my last post I was about to entertain the Vice President and his wife, Dr. Biden, for an evening at the theatre. Let me share with you my evening.

I was gearing up all day to meet the Biden's. I met with the Secret Service to go over the entire building and choreograph their entrances, exits, and emergencies escape pods. (Ok well they didn't have those but they might as well have)! Anyway, they leave and I go back to the office to round out my day before heading back to the theatre to meet them again at 6:15.

Ok, I need to interject for a second. I began writing this post over a week ago and then failed to finish I'm going to do so now and then proceed to post another entry because there have been developments in my celibacy streak...more to come.

Alright, back to the Biden's. So I head back to the theatre to meet the Secret Service Agent...who, by the way, was hot! We go over the plan again and I have been tasked with closing the loading dock door once the Biden's were in. After which I was to enter the theatre and await to be introduced before taking them to their seats.

I had one job to do. ONE job....and I fucked it up.

Apparently there isn't just one open/close panel but two. The one I saw was inside the loading dock next to the door. So I'm thinking "I'll press the close button, the door will come down and all will be right with the world." The car pulls up with the motorcade and the parks in the loading dock. I get the signal from the hot SS agent and push the button. The button I have just pushed activated the metal door above my head, not the one to the outside. I quickly press stop and frantically look at the SS agent who's telling me its inside and half yelling/watching over the VP and Dr. Biden. I begin to freak out, quickly look around inside for another panel to close the loading dock door and eventually find it hidden behind the propped door.

Needless to say, matters of national security should not be placed in my hands. Ever. Again.

To wrap up, I meet the Biden's (super nice) and take them to their seats. After the show I escorted them backstage to meet with my bosses for a photo op and Helen Mirren and Dominic Cooper were waiting backstage as well. I was pleasantly taken aback and standing amidst all of these people. It was quite a surreal moment but amazing. To top it all off I also met Amanda Seyfried who happened to fly in to see Dominic. Yes, folks, they are dating.

It was funny...she was dressed all in black and I thought she was just another backstage crew person approaching the Vice Pres with Dominic. I was about to be like "back the fuck off bitch" when the VP's assistant turns and asks me if that was the girl from Mama Mia. I did a double take and was like Oh Em Gee. It is. She came over to stand next to me while photos were being taken. I shook her hand and we had a pleasant conversation about her visit to the white house earlier that day. I wanted to ask her if she had any upcoming projects we can look forward too, say something like "Jennifer's Body 2: The Angry Vagina?" but I refrained.

So that's my story about how I met the VP and almost caused a national security crisis :)


Monday, September 21, 2009

"Practice your curtsy for the Queen..."

Ok folks, I've been missing in action before just as I've been missing in action now. Slap my wrist, spank my ass and call me a sloot. Well, don't really call me a sloot; goodness knows if that was the reason I haven't been writing then you should be rejoicing. Instead I've been completely engrossed in work for the past month and haven't found the time nor the energy to write about anything worth reading. I don't do boring and, hopefully, neither do you. Unless of course you enjoy many quiet evenings at home with your cat and your newly purchased pumps from Target that you acquired at the same time as your monthly tampon supply and potting soil! As boring as that is to most of you, I have a different experience. In the past month I've worked Shakespeare Theatre's Free for All (amazing), put together a 20 year history slide show of the company using Mac programs that I had no familiarity with (enlightening), met Helen Mirren and Dominic Cooper (breathtaking and tingle inducing), and am now gearing up for escorting the Biden's around (kind of really cool). I have to take the perks where I can get them and I've been told that I name drop a lot. To my defense, not having a boyfriend, sex life, or prospects of any kind this is all I got so take it bitches or leave it :)

I believe, in my last post, that I stated I was going celibate and have stayed true to that. I mentioned, or maybe I didn't that I wasn't going to go to a gay bar as long as possible. Well, that didn't last very long BUT I've stayed true to not putting myself out there and trying to meet people. I'm still a lonely guy but I'm still focusing on fixing myself and getting my life back to a place that I can be at ease about.

I did have a small slip but, I think a good one. I sent The Ex a facebook message. Pathetic, I know...but part of me needed to do it to get the final say. If you know me well enough you'll know that I always have the last word whether I'm wrong or right in the situation. So yeah, I sent him a message explaining that I'm tying a bookend to certain parts of my life. I wrote it expecting one of 3 things: 1. Getting a response in the positive. "I miss you. I was stupid. Let's have coffee and talk about this. 2. A thank you for my honesty and words, however, nothing has changed for me. and 3. Nothing at all.

Let's all guess what my response was. Oh, come one. Its not that difficult and I can't be made to feel any less or more than what I've already set my mind to...soooo guess.

It was 3. Nothing. Nada. Thanks for playing. Don't come again. Go away. All of the above.

For a hot second I was pretty torn up about it. Then I realized the reason I sent the message in the first place. It wasn't to illicit a response. It was to get all that I wanted off my chest and finally get the fuck on with my life. In retrospect I'm glad there wasn't a response. It finally proved to me that nothing is going to change on that end, and even though I still love the idea of the life I had when I "thought" I was happy is gone and isn't coming back. And you know what, I'm better off for it. I've seen The Ex since and I thought I would want to throw up in my mouth but I was OK. Shocking. I think the thing that bothers me now that I didn't realize before, is that I don't miss The Ex, I miss the idea of what I had with him and what I was looking for constantly over the past year and a half.

Its time to stop looking for Mr. Right and start living life.

I may be half in the bottle right now typing this but, isn't that what blogging is about. To dump one's thoughts and emotions into writing in hopes that you'll get it all off your chest. Well, friends, its working. My life is turning a corner and I'm ready.

On a side note Grey's Anatomy starts this week, I'm moving in to a new place closer to work, and I'm setting goals and reaching them. Am I still lonely? Of course. I haven't met one person that is single that doesn't think about that perfect relationship. I don't ask for a lot but I won't compromise on what I want. Get on board, or get out of my way. I suggest you do the same. Time is against us, gay or straight, but it doesn't have to be an uphill battle. Find meaning in things that make you happy and change the things that you can.

If its one thing I've learned the past year and a half, is that people come and go as quickly as a one night stand; but, in the grand scheme of it all it doesn't have to rule your life or how you live it.

Here's to better postings about the season to come. I can feel the Fall fashions of leggings, eskimo boots, and inappropriately worn scarves coming to fruition. Watch out. No one is safe. Including Straight Lady and the recently discovered, knock-off version of pink Crocs I found in her car.

I know, sinful.

Just Jack

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I don't Twitter, Tweet or anything else of the sort...

But I will write a short blog and update you all accordingly...

Not much to report but its been a week since my last post so I feel the need to write something so I don't dry up completely. The last thing I want is for my readers to get bored and venture elsewhere to get there weekly dose of hard truthful advice about your mismatched outfit, bad dating decisions, or just overall advice about your life and what I know you're doing wrong with it!

Anywho...onward to the following:
  1. One week and 3 days of Queerdom isolation. Well, except for Showtunes last Monday but that was already planned prior to the declaration and therefore grandfathered in and doesn't count. I feel as if its going well. Cold turkey is always tough and its actually turning up my libido because I know I've cut myself off...but I'm pushing through!
  2. A good friend of mine is getting married and had the kind decency to invite me to her bachelorette party. One token gay and a group of straight girls. Let's just the night lived up to every expectation of what a night like that could be including a bright pink sash, tiara, and a giant inflatable penis which we affectionately named Pedro. Overall it was a good time...there were some girls that I could have done with out. Their choice of black cocktail attire was atrocious and flip flops are never a suitable "going out" shoe unless your a guy. Most of the girls were adorable and had on heels (good girls)!
  3. I spent all day today doing nothing but sitting around the house and watching movies and playing the piano. My parents moved my sister in to UVA for her freshman year. My mother is a hot wreck...they just got home actually and I already want to club her in the head with my vera wang cologne bottle sitting on the counter and fixing a mixed drink.
  4. That's all, its late and I don't care enough about anything at the moment to write any further.
Peace, Love, and don't bother me :) Happy Saturday!


Friday, August 14, 2009

Get Thee to a Nunnery...or the nearest Straight Bar

So Rabbi Steve and I are finished. Shocking right? Yeah I should of called time of death two weeks ago and saved myself the trouble of giving it a shot. Great guy, good times, but can't seem to figure his shit out. I'm so glad that I got to be the person that made him realize it. I guess I bring that out in a magnet for self discovery and realization. Too bad I can't exude that on people without having to touch them or get invested in their personal well being. Like some gay super power that I could use to prevent the mexicans and their 8 children from walking in to that Kohl's on their 50% off day. Just. Say. No. I, of course, spoke to Ms. Glickman about everything because she's the one who more or less steered me and the Rabbi in to each other and she calmly explained that, like the Rabbi, she too is jaded and kind of put things in perspective for me regarding his tranny behavior.

Meanwhile, to his credit, he did do it in person which I have to offer up props to as every other asshole I've dated hasn't had so much the courtesy to do that like the mature people I want to think we all are. doesn't mean it still doesn't tick me off. I guess I just see myself as jaded but if I don't put myself out there and try then I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and become nothing more than a bitter old man with all of his good looks wasted. Let's be honest here, I will age gracefully and the salt and pepper hair I know I'm going to get...beautiful!!

Ok in all seriousness, I sit and I complain about boys and I sit and get to be hurt and cry about things sometimes and get angry...why? Because I put myself out there and on the line EVERY single time. I get that it takes a long time to get over things and move on but what are you supposed to be doing in the interim? When is it going to be time to stop sitting in the corner feeling sorry for yourself and the things that have been done to you and get back on the wagon? You can't be any worse off than you already were/are so what is there to lose?

But I get it. Dating is hard and its difficult to just put yourself out there. And, for me, I need a break. I'm all for giving things a go around with guys and giving them the benefit of the doubt...what I am tired of is getting those stupid girl feelings and sharing your excitment about the "new guy" with all of your friends. "Oh this one's different." "He's not like everyone else." "I know I won't get myself caught up but..." Vom. Get outta my face. Its doing that and then having to turn right around like a big embarassed fool to tell everyone it didn't work out. I think that's what takes most of my energy. The fact that you have to face your friends with your tail between your legs like a dog that peed on the carpet and knows it was the wrong thing to do.

So I'm taking a break. No more dating, no more gay bars, no more boys. Other than my previous engagement for Showtunes on more JRs. I deleted my online accounts...and by accounts I mean just one, and, NO, it was not Manhunt. I want to stay the hell away from gay men and I want them to stay the hell away from me. You people continue to waste my time. And when I am ready to get back in to the swing of things I'm going to put together a little cheat sheet and hand it to potential daters. A little Welcome Packet to my life, if you will. An Orientation Guide to me. That way I don't actually have to talk about the things that I look for in my life and you can decide if you want to buy what I'm selling...which CLEARLY, at this point no one seems to want and I'm sick of pushing. You should now that I'm never on sale or a discounted rate...what you see is what you get and I do nothing but exude that from the beginning.

Word of advice. Ask yourself what it is that you want. When you can answer that, go and get it and be damn sure that when you find it you're grateful to keep it. Chances are its rare and, most of the time, doesn't come along more than once. Unlike the sale days at Marshalls...which are as frequent as the hooker I see patrolling the 14th street corridor Tues-Sat. Best of luck in your can find me at the straight bars or at home watching movie trailers with a glass of wine.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

How Do I Love Thee-Let Me Count the Ways

So at long is Miss Procras's guest blog. I hope you all enjoy...I know I sure did :)

I am beyond honored that Just Jack asked me to guest post on his blog. A) It’s my first-ever guest post and B) I’m lucky enough that Just Jack considers me a friend – he just did MAJOR cutting from his Facebook friends list and after 3 rounds, I haven’t been voted off the island. So I must be doing something right if he’ll allow me to post on the awesomeness that is his blog.

I’ve been privileged to call Just Jack a friend for five years now. After graduating college and moving to the same city, I think we’ve become even closer. Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without him.

Witness a cell phone conversation I had with my dad recently:

Me: Daddy, I’m really homesick. I don’t feel like I have many close girlfriends in D.C. anymore. Most of them are in Richmond.

Dad: You have Just Jack, don’t you?

Dads are so smart.

Just Jack is always there as a drinking buddy, fashion consultant, love doctor and chick flick enthusiast.

And so, ladies and gents, I bring you: Reasons to Love Just Jack (We all know how much he loves himself already, but I assure you, it is well warranted.)

1) He keeps you motivated while drinking. This is particularly helpful during happy hours or pregames when you’re under a time crunch to get wasted and save money. His go-to pep talk: “Less talking, more drinking."

2) He’s brutally honest, so you know if you’re about to purchase something heinous, he’ll let you know. Ideal shopping partner. (True story: I was about to buy these gold wedges from Steve Madden and I wanted Just Jack’s approval. He came into the store, anxious to get to where we needed to be-probably out drinking-and was annoyed I was holding up the group per usual. He looked at them and said, “Yeah, they’re fine” in a disinterested, straight-male tone. I was convinced he didn’t like them, but that was before I knew him well enough to know he would have said something along the lines, “Honey, those look like something a tranny hooker would wear” if he didn’t think I should buy them.)

3) Whenever you ride in his car, it’s a guaranteed jam fest to such greatness at Britney Spears, Lady Gaga and Broadway numbers.

4) He was a psychology major, so he can read people really, really well. And yes, he is judging you.

5) He has lived at the beach a majority of his life, and his parents bought a vacation home a couple of miles from the ocean; however, he hates sand so he avoids the beach at all costs. This paradox cracks me up for some reason.

6) He’s an excellent spooner.

7) When you’re around him, you’ll laugh until your sides hurt. Especially if you’re in a location with lots of people (ie-shopping malls, subways, restaurants). You see, Just Jack loves to people watch. So, like an eagle, he zeros in on his target, swoops down and annihilates them with witty remarks. (Not to their face, usually.)

8) If you hang out with him enough, you’ll get to know what he’s thinking by his facial expressions. Those are even funnier than his putdowns, I think.

9) He’s stellar at picking out acceptable men and dispensing relationship advice. See point #4.

10) He’ll expose you to the greatness that is the D.C. gay social scene. Show tunes Mondays, all-Britney dance parties, drag queens racing in high heels and the cheapest, strongest drinks you’ll ever consume.

Hope this provides a little more insight into the legendary Just Jack. Love you mucho, boo!

Monday, August 10, 2009

To Clarify...

So I've been asked by my coworker to clarify a few things as she was not entirely happy about my last post. Apparently I made it seem that I was disgusted at the thought of being in Adams Morgan.

Why anyone would think I could be annoyed about going in to a strip of bars dedicated to the heterosexual ritual of getting smashed while dancing to Lil Wayne and Journey and then capping off the evening with a giant slice of pizza that only costs $4 and eating it on the curb before catching a taxi to head beyond me ;) I also didn't give her a proper blog name so...

Henceforthwithandso-on my "other Jewish coworker" shall be aptly named Ms. Glickman and I have to say that despite the very nature of my being that requires me to loathe places like Adams Morgan, I actually had a pleasant time. We had a few drinks, chatted, and danced a bit to...shockingly enough Lady Gaga (which I have been listening to since June a year ago, BUT we can't all be gay and fashion/music forward...who would be left to make fun of!)

On one last note....Shopping for clothing, other than basics (i.e. undershirts, socks, etc), at places such as Target or, dare I say Walmart is not ok. Nothing says trash like checking out at register number 12 with a pair of shorts, a cami, and potting soil! 1. Get a life and 2. Go to Macy's.


Sunday, August 9, 2009

Hi my name is Just Jack and I JUST blog...

Ok people its time to recap my weekend. It was pretty fantastic but I'm glad its over and I'm decompressing at home listening to Pandora, which is currently set on my "Rent" radio station. Stop it, I'm gay...I'm totally allowed to jam out to showtunes in the comfort of my own home in just my underwear. Just let it happen, I bet you can't say you're doing anything better. Although there is an ABC Family movie on starring Ashley Slutsdale, Food Netowork Challenge, and Lifetime movie marathon (Currently playing: The Hand the Rocked the Cradle Because My Father was Verbally Abusive Which is Why I Have A Drinking Problem: The Janie Posey Story). Not quite as good as "Mother May I Sleep With Danger" starring Tori Spelling but...I'll pass to blog instead :)

I'm going to pause a moment: Pandora just started playing Sara McLachlan. Um that is not the Von Trap Children singing Do Ray Mi...get the fuck out of my face...skip; BYE! Disney's Aladdin...perfect.

Ok back to my weekend. It started off with a rather interesting time with Miss Procras at a Blogger Happy Hour. Yes, you read correctly. We thought it might be good to get together with fellow bloggers and see what's up in person. The girl who put it together, Lilu, was pretty cool. Loved the bitch's hair, but most of the people there were mad socially awkward. I mean just because you're in to blogging doesn't mean that the world still won't judge the real person you are. Maybe if you spent less time in front of your blog and more time looking in to the mirror, staying out of Kohl's, and socializing more maybe I'll give two shits about your life. Probably not, but come on! All in all it was a lot of fun and the drink specials were great. Its all going back to me focusing on my life and trying new things. I met some interesting people and, yeah, I'd do it again. I mean nothing like knowing you're the most fabulous and attractive people there to make you feel better about having emotional problems :) Oh and, another word of're not in front of a computer...when talking to fellow bloggers its not ok to introduce yourself as your blog name...that should come up in conversation later.

After that Miss Procras and I went to JR's. Then my coworker and his friend showed up and we ended up at Nellie's then dancing at Town. It was a great evening, including running in to Tortilla Strip and J-Crew. Long story short, I had a falling out with Torts and we haven't talked since. However the look on his face was priceless when J Crew gave me a hug and we danced a little. Guess're a bitch and people like me better. Anyway, that's niether here nor there. Can't be bothered with things that are going to waste my time.

Saturday rolls around and I do nothing but enjoy some pool QT time with Straight Lady and Starfish. Then I prepare for hanging out with Rabbi Steve before my other coworkers birthday celebration in Adams Morgan (vom). I won't go in to too much detail because not much transpired that I can comment on or make fun of. Well, other than he finally fixed his sideburns..they're even now. We had a few drinks, met my coworker...who is also Jewish and had a drink with her and her friends. It was a great evening, very relaxed. I did, however, decide that this guy's good for me and I'm scared shitless. But I still have my reservations...DUH! Can't be throwing myself shamelessly at boys like I have in the past. I just know that Rabbi Steve and I are at the same place as far as what we are looking for so we'll just see how it all goes. Until then I'm going to attempt not to over think things, even though we all know that's about as possible as me venturing into the Potomac Mills outlet mall...never. Going. To. Happen!

Anyway, enough about him. The more I talk about things the worse I feel when he decides we shouldn't date anymore and I have to find out via an airplane banner or some tranny shit like that. At this point folks, I'm not suprised by anything! For now I'll be content figuring things out slowly and enjoying my new body hair trimmer I acquired from Target this afternoon. Life changing. That and my Pandora Broadway station ;)



Thursday, August 6, 2009

If Facebook had a real face...I'd slap it with my Chuck Taylor's

Just had to share that Facebook, this morning, suggested I Become a Fan of Kohl's...

Yesterday it was JC Penny...

What's tomorrow going to be Facebook? Huh?! Ross? TJ Max? Wet Seal?!!!!

I had to take a minute this morning before heading off in to the world and pretending that facebook wasn't actually being a huge tranny.

In other news, the blog got a small but charming facelift; hope you like. Also Miss Procras has been invited for a guest spot on my blog so stay tuned for that. Not sure what she'll write guess will be some story that involves her not being on time to something I was planning...and, in all actuality, you may be waiting for a while on that one. :)

Peace, Love, and Egoism!


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

How lovely of you to have me on the show...

So folks, I was invited as a guest blogger on Miss Procras' blog and thought I'd post the same on mine to share with all of you that may not read hers...even though you should; its just as thought provoking ;)

Hello Fellow Miss Procras Followers! For those that don't know who I am, you can call me Just Jack. I've been asked to appear as a Guest Blogger. I, of course, was flattered but not surprised. I mean, I am fabulous and whatever I say tends to be golden...even if it is making fun of your outift! You can catch me regularly on my own blog Kiss It! Spank It! Tranny! found at Shameless plug, I know, but word of mouth advertising is always the most effective, even when most of the time the words coming out of your mouth warrant a bronzer compact flung at your face ;)

Anywho, back to the real topic of today's post: Miss Procras herself. I've had many memories created from my long-time friendship with the slut and I wouldn't trade it in for anything. We've become rather close over the past year, I think, and its made seeing her all the better. But in order to understand what we are now, you'll need to understand what were back then. And, for that, let me start at the beginning. The first time I met Miss P was at her and her roomates' Pink Party. I did not own anything pink, at the time...shocking...but you had to wear pink in order to enter the party slash get a drink. I purchased a pink Aeropostale polo (looking back in hindsight...ew) and headed over that evening to their apartment. I knew their roommate at the time and no one else really. I had met Miss P briefly before the party as we were both orientation guides that summer. Let's just say that we ended up finding each other at the party and proceeded to make fun of people and their disgusting outfits for the rest of the evening. Can we say kismet?

After that I began regularly hanging out at the apartment and became very close with their other roommate Kellsm. I was soon inducted as honorary roommate (as the fourth one was a total twat who owned a small dog that warrented nothing except the urge to throw it off the balcony). At that time I also became a member of the Pink Penthouse tribe, which will live in infamy in the form of a small wooden chair painted, by us, as an omage to our friendships, the color pink, and the memories that we carry with us to this day. It still resides, I believe, in the student lounge at JMU.

Since then Miss P and I have formed an inseperable bond; one consisting of me yelling at her for never being on time to anything, relationship advice, and, as always, help picking out an outfit and accesories for an evening out. I've been through a lot of things with her and seen her grow to the person she is today. I've seen her at her worst and have watched her triumph over some tranny bull shit that we all seem to encounter from time to time. I love me some Miss Procras, lateness and all...even when it means picking me up from the metro when I don't have a car, being a fervent supporter of the gay community by participating in Showtunes Night and the High Heel Race, or simply catching up over a glass of wine. There are very few people that affect your life in such a way that you know you want to be a part of theirs for a very long time...I said it yesterday in my blog...hold on to them because they don't come around very often.

I love you Miss P. Always remember two things 1. I've seen your boobies and 2. I'll always be around for you just like I know you will for me too!

Love, JJ

P.S. That top does not go with those jeans, I love your gold wedges, and go with the silver earings tonight ;) Oh and don't shop at Kohl's, TJ Max, Ross, Marshalls, OR Sanrio Surprise. Nothing says "disgusting tranny" like a Hello Kitty t-shirt and a plastic purse to match!

Monday, August 3, 2009

F*ing A...My Life and The Play

Well this weekend was interesting to say the least. Now I know what you're thinking...what crazy stories do I have in store for you? But settle down in your britches, nothing terribly exciting happened. It was just, interesting!

It was one of those weekends where you have ZERO plans and then all of a sudden you're booked. Straight Lady was out of town and so was Starfish so I didn't have a thing to do but Friday turned out to be wonderful. I ended up hanging out with some of my college friends that I hadn't seen in almost a year. We were all ambassadors together. If you don't know what I mean by that just know that we were totally the cool kids on campus and I totally gave tours to prospective students with my collar popped on my little purple polo. And to think I wasn't out then...what was I doing with my life?! Probably shopping at Marshall's. Vom! I try to think back and remember what I was doing with out my 28inch waist Lucky Jeans fashionable footwear. I think my first pair of rainbows occurred somewhere around senior year! Tragic hot mess = me. Good think I'm a big homo now and the fashion wand finally slapped me across the face and I wear clothes that actually fit properly! that was great seeing the girls. Saturday I was a big fat ass and ordered chinese food and watched Heroes Season 3 on netflix all day long. All day until it was ready to get showered for the first time and go out! Gross but completely satisfying! Then I met my intern for a few drinks then headed over to the ole watering hole, JRs to round out the evening with drinks with friends to catch up!

Sunday I did the same thing, I stayed in all day and watched Heroes. I attempted to go grocery shopping. I made it all the way to the check out line to discover that I did not have my wallet on me and, defeated, went home and did not return. Then I headed back downtown again to meet the Jew boy, whom henceforth shall be called Rabbi Steve, I went on a date with last Wednesday for some cocktails and to see Studio Theatre's F!ng A. Um it was not good. And by not good I mean bad. And by bad I mean if I could have left after 30 minutes I would have. We stayed through intermission and then went back and had another drink and some gelato. The best part of the evening, well not the best part, BUT we both walk in to the theatre and sure enough creepy Jew boy from my last post was in the audience. He keeps popping up EVERYWHERE! I'm telling you, start the negotiations with Chace Crawford because eventually I'm going to have a face-to-face encounter with him which will end with my body drapped over my keyboard with the letter Y scrolling across an open email.

Things are going fairly well with this one. For the first time, which still blows my mind, he brought up the "Where I'm at with things..." conversation. Granted its been 3 dates, but my stupid brain has the same thoughts after such a short period of time too. I mean, when you know you know. You either like the person and want to continue to explore or you're not feeling it and its time to move on to other paths: stop seeing each other entirely or be friends. It was just refreshing in the sense that I don't have to sit and figure it out. The cards were put on the table, which if you know me, that's the kind of person that I am. Holding back is a waste of time and I've said it before...some people call it intimidating; I call it efficiency! I still have my reservations of course, who wouldn't? While I don't think that I'll be defriended on facebook or tossed a line, we've all got baggage that doesn't go away just because you meet someone new and exciting. The last person that I got butterflies thinking about the next time we were going to talk was Rescue Me Joe and we all know how that ended.

I think that we'll have a really good relationship whether that will be dating, friendship, or otherwise...its rare to find good people so its important to hold on to them when you do! So who knows, we'll see what happens. As far as I can tell there's a fourth date in the works and, in the meantime I'm trying NOT to be that girl from "He's Just Not That Into You." If you've seen the movie you know exactly what I'm talking about, if you haven't just know that she's a really great girl that over analyzes everything and then gets upset when it doesn't work out. I'm through with stressing myself out over it...Phillipe, Georgio, and Armand don't need more company. (Those are the names I gave to the 3 grey hairs I have on my head).

Anyway that's all...really lame post I know but I've been invited as a guest blogger on Miss Procras's blog so that should be terribly more exciting! I haven't decided what I'd like to guest blog about. Suggestions from Miss Procras included her fabulous dress, her inability to be on time to anything I tell her to be, and how we met. All good things and will probably end up being a conglomeration of all three! Keep your eyes peeled and your ass out of Kohls!



Tuesday, July 21, 2009

This Isn't McFadden's Bitch...

To all my bitches out there...

This past weekend made me aware of a bigger issue going on than poorly dressed gay men with their too low cut v-necks and skinny jeans...or, in the case of Halo on Saturday, an overly-eclectic ensemble resulting in one too many fashionista choices making the wearer look like a gay homeless person. The bigger issue I'm talking about...girls at gay bars.

I have brought many of my girlfriends to the bars/clubs with me and they've, for the most part, behaved accordingly. The only person I can think of that needed a spanking and time-out was Miss Procras but we'll get to that in a minute! Below I've outlined a few things that girls should be aware of when out with the gays and for the boys to gently remind the girls should the need arise.

1. Dressing to the nines is typically frowned upon because who are you trying to impress? Hello, its a gay bar and you're not getting any ass. Stick with the basics: jeans, a fun top that reveals a little tata (97% of all gay men LOVE your nips!), heels, and a cute clutch/purse. Its all that's needed. Nothing more necessary unless you're coming from a fancy date or outing. Remember, you should never look better dressed than your gay, its rude and embarassing!

2. Gay bars make their drinks stronger, cheaper, and the wait is about 15 minutes shorter to get a beverage. Pace yourself accordingly. Typical rule of thumb if you've never been to a gay bar...2-3 drinks should send you flying depending on where you're going. Jr's for instance: 3 drinks and see how you feel. Halo: 1.5 and you're good to go; 2 and you might be on the floor. Don't be that drunk girl who doesn't know how to hang but proceeds to get wasted only to throw up on the bar floor. Again, don't embarass your gay. I don't get trashy in your straight establishments, don't get trashy in mine :)

3. Dancing when dancing is not appropriate is not ok. If you see less than 5 people shaking their groove thing, chances are dancing isn't allowed or looked favorably upon in the gaystablishment that you're currently in. If you find yourself overcome with the shaking your booty you're probably on drink number 2 or 3 and its time to take a minute and assess. When in doubt ask your gay, he knows best!

4. Typically when I mention drinks above I mean a cocktail of some kind. Beer is typically only ok to order if your gay orders beer but, in general, liquor is the way to go. Ordering beer might make you look like a lesbian and chances are you might be kidnapped as there are so few that come out to play.

5. Always have cash on hand. You never know when there's going to be a cover somewhere and most places require a tab minimum that you could not possibly reach yourself. You'd end up violating one or more of the above.

6. It is ALWAYS appropriate to play wing-man for your gay. If an agreed upon cutie is spotted it is your job to help strike up conversation as you have nothing to lose. Introducing your man to his future husband or evening "fun" is a big deal and responsibility. Rise to the challenge!

7. Last, but not making out with anyone of any kind. Its trashy because either 1. You've found a needle in a haystack and hit it off drunkenly (aka a straight guy) or 2. You're making out with another gay; also trashy. You're a visitor in a different land, my dear. This is the only rule I've had to reprimane a lady friend for. Sorry Miss Procras have to call you out on making out with The Hoff in the corner when the bar only had like 10 people in it to begin with. Not approp!

That's about all. There are exceptions to every rule...none of which you're allowed to make a judgement call on your own without first consulting your gay. Also, if your gay breaks any of these rules himself chances are you're exuding behavior that's causing the rest of the bar to leer and judge you. Always be aware of your surroundings ladies and don't be afraid to ask questions. There's nothing more truthful that the sharp sting of a homo's opinion about that ugly choice in earings or your tranny behavior out if you've had one to many Jr's cocktails :)

In other news I may or may not be found dead in my work Pod as the Jewish boy with a unibrow and a thirst for chatting via facebook just started working in the Teleservices Dept. Let's just say that a chance encounter at the gay jewish pop concert I went to coupled with the fact that he just happened to come see the play I was in leads me to believe there's a bigger design happening. Do me a favor and make my story in to a lifetime movie if I die...I'd like it to be titled "Shalom Death: The Raymond Bracken Story." I'd enjoy Chace Crawford playing the title role.

Speaking of Jewishness, I have a date with another Jew next week. Great guy so far and apparently spoon compatible AND he doesn't have a unibrow and isn't balding. I'd say, in the past lineup of mo's that I've dated this one's got one up on some of the others already!

That's it from me for today. Remember to follow the rules bitches...its not that hard. If you can't, stay home its that easy!



Thursday, July 16, 2009

I've Got Sunshine Coming Out of My Ass So Back off Tranny!

So I've been told that I'm bitchy, complain a lot, and never seem to be happy about anything. For those that don't know me well and read the blog you'll find that tends to be true. I guess my sarcastic, biting wit is a little overwhelming for folks and think of me as the Tranny Queen who has nothing better to do than talk about other people and how unhappy I am with the cards I've been dealt with on a regular basis.

Well, I'm here to set a few records straight. Please don't get me wrong...the following post does not mean that I'm going to stop complaining about boys, making fun of your ugly ballet flats you thought were a good idea but were not because they were on the sale rack at Marshalls, or being a sarcastic a*hole. Its all part of the package, I guess I just haven't given you the sweeter, more demur side of myself. (Did some of you just vom in your mouth a little bit? I did.)

Ok, in all seriousness I'm not as overdramatic and nasty as I tend to make myself out to be in my postings. I'm really, in my opinion, a pretty down to earth guy. I have a lot of love to give and HUGE heart...I just tend to have no one to share it with. Or when I do, its not reciprocated. So yeah, sometimes I'm bitter.

But who wouldn't be? I'm 25 years old, and granted that might be a little young...but this guy wants to settle down with someone. What's wrong in wanting that at such a young age? Half of the people I went to school with are either married, on they're way to getting married, OR they're already married and preggers or have 8 babies already. Now I may be ready to settle my ass down but I am NOT ready to take care of a child until at least the age of 37...maybe 40. One good thing about being a homo, you don't have a biological clock ticketing against you :) All we have to worry about is our wanning good looks which can be held astray with proper moisturizer and skin care! Speaking of which, I've started using the new Dove bodywash...amazing! I highly reccommend the grapefruit and lemongrass. Trust me, you won't be disappointed!

And as I think I've mentioned recently I've cut useless drama out of my life. I quit Managing Director which means absolutely no more dealing with issues and taking in stress from people telling you you're not good enough. I've also joined a gym...a rather cheap and crappy one, but hey I run 3 miles everytime I go and work out on the machines. Its good enough for my skinny ass and that's all that matters! I've been keeping up regularly and I hope I continue to keep it up. The goal is be able to fill out a t-shirt properly by the end of September and keep going from there.

I don't know though...I think about my life constantly and what I'm doing wrong. I am lonely, I'll admit. And there's a couple people out there that I think I would drop a lot to be with but I'm tired of making sacrafices and not having someone else take a risk too. Isn't that what living life and falling in love is all about? Taking a risk. If it doesn't work then you gave it your best shot and move on. But don't half ass around your feelings or waste my time or yours. And for all of you out there that think I'm flammingly overdramatic...kiss my ass. Mwahhh! I know more than you think and probably have the best advice out of anyone you'll ever meet. Why? Because I like to look at all the angles. And NEWSFLASH I love kids...only if they're well behaved BUT I'm good with them because I love people and they aren't anything more than bite-sized versions of adults. I realize that more and more...we're all hedonistic little children-bitches vying for that ever elusive place of happiness where we can sit back and say "I'm here and I'm satisfied."

Maybe that's why I write about all the negative angles. No one thinks getting what you want is funny. Its making fun of the fact that you were dumped via Facebook by an asshole or that small moment of insanity that drives you to by Liz Claiborne bronzer instead of Mac that people find amusing.

We're all in the same boat here aren't we? We just want to be happy and sometimes writing about the unhappy stuff in a tragic and tired way makes moving on a little easier. Work it out your own way and leave me to mine. If you don't like it...go to Kohl's or kiss my naught bits; whichever you prefer ;)

Love you mean it!


P.S. For clarification I am always the little spoon. In case you were wondering.

Monday, July 6, 2009

There's No Place Like make you want to throw yourself out a window!

Well kids, I'm on furlough starting today for the entire week. I thought, hey since I have the time off, why don't I go home for a quiet vacation at my parents' house. I'll take my bestfriend and we'll pop on down to Va Beach for a few days and relax poolside drinking beer and enjoying being lazy.

If I ever think that'd be a good idea again...I want to you to force me into the Kohl's parking lot and threaten that you'll take me inside to shop. I'll learn my lesson, I promise.

Let me explain. Things have been fairly good up until yesterday. My mother thinks I'm mad at her because we're not hanging out downstairs or eating every meal with them. I love my mom but leave it to her to make me feel like I'm doing nothing right with my life. She's the kind of person that thinks everything is your fault...

ME: "Ma, I didn't sleep at all last night"
Mom: "Maybe it's because you feel guilty about spending money on useless things."

Me: "I don't feel well."
Mom: "Maybe you should of stayed home last night like I told you too."

Me: "I'm not happy with having to take a furlough."
Mom: "Maybe you should move back home and save money instead of wasting your time on something that you should throw yourself off a cliff if you think its going to get you any where in life."

Oooook ma...that's enough. She's extremely frustrating and the more annoyed you get the more she turns it on. Its like a sixth sense. She knows when she's getting on your nerves and she keep nagging and nagging until you explode. Then she gets upset that you said something. Um...please go knit quietly in the corner and get out of my face!

Straight Lady is here with me and keeping me as sane as she has humanly possible to do but it doesn't really help. We did, however, have a fabulous time Friday night reliving my Rainbow Cactus experience from last Thanksgiving. See my previous Rainbow Plant Post. This time I took my which point, during the drag show, a bouncer came up to Straight Lady and said "Ma'am, there is not picture taking in the club." What she should of said back is "Ok, I'll let you know when I'm in one!" She complied and I put the camera back in my car. We enjoyed the rest of our evening including our 8 drinks each and $30 bar tab. The music they played was ridiculous. I think I heard Love Game by Lady Gaga and I'm Bossy by Kelis at least 4 times each and NOT ONE time did I hear a single Britney song! I went up to the DJ, and I use that term loosely because I'm sure he burns sweet CD's from his Dell desktop at home and brings in the mixes, and asked him to play Britney. He asked me which song and I was like "Any will do!" ...I still didn't get any Britney.

I've used this time to reflect on my week as well. Last week was a big one for me. I made a lot of decisions that suprised me, scared me, upset me, and made me happy all at the same time. I quit my Managing Director post at the theatre company I've been spearheading for over a year. I decided to make a conscious effort to start saving money and finally get my ass to the city by January, and I called things off with the guy that I was seeing. All of these things were causing a lot of unnecessary complications in my life and I had to cut them out. Was it something I wanted to do? Yes and No. I really enjoyed being Managing Director...not a lot of people can say they do that at my age. A lot of people didn't think I was doing the best job, but I poured my heart in to that and took as much from it that I'll remember my time there for the rest of my life.

This really came from my decision to move in to the city. I work in the city, I play in the city...I belong in the city. And then lastly I stopped seeing the boy. That was a particularly upsetting decision but I decided that I'm not going to settle for anything less than what I deserve and I all I think I deserve is getting the feeling of being wanted. The one thing I still miss from The Ex is that feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and get excited to see one another. Or the way he called me Baby Duck. Or waited outside on his front stoop for me to drive up. Just little things that are important. And who knows, the boy might work out if things are different and situations change but I can't sit around and hope for something to happen that might not ever. Its just annoying because the more one wants to be in a relationship the less likely its going to happen and the less you think about the more likely its going to happen but not in the way you want it to work out.

Dating is dumb. Boys are really fucking stupid. And I'm the exception to the rule in being at the age of 25 and wanting to settle down with someone. Boys, get your shit together. I'm a catch :) Slightly high maintenance but nothing you can't handle with a kiss on the cheek and stupid obsession with say, BBQ sauce or late night wine and movies. Oh well...I guess I'll continue to focus on my carreer and taking the steps necessary to improve the quality of ME. I've joined a gym and I'm starting to go on a regular basis. I will move in to the city. And I will have the life that I've wanted to live for a long time. AND I will continue to uphold that I will not discount shop...unless of course I have a momentary lapse of sanity and do it anyway. (Confession: I went to Old Navy this weekend and bought not one but 2 lightweight zip up hoodies) They're adorable and you can't tell they're from Old Navy...but as on blogger to my readers I feel the need to confess accordingly. But I also got really cute underwear ;)

Ok, back to Food Network in the I part just think about where you're at in life and ask yourself if you're happy. If you aren't, maybe its time for a change of pace. Throw out the kitchen sink and redecorate. Its not like anyone but me will judge you and matter...go for it. I'll tell you if you're wrong!



Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A Year in the Life of Just Jack...Hold On to your Butts

My life, to date, has been quite a ride of ups and downs. I'd like to think of myself as a pessimistic optimist because I think that a lot of what has been handed to me has been shitty but continue to remain hopeful that brighter things will occur. I mean my father died a few months before my birth and I was a 9lb 8oz was complicated from the beginning. A fatherless, porker of a child raised by an overbearing, totally effiminate Portuguese mother. I was destined to be a homo from the get go!

Anyway, let's fast forward a bit to this time last year. I was in the middle of the ugliest breakup I have experienced and have not had one that parallels it since. It was with The Ex. (See previous posts for further clarification.) I was also in the middle of learning a new position at Fish and Wildlife Services because the company I was working for was about to fire me internally for tranny shit that was their fault to begin with. I. Was. Miserable. I mean I was in love with The Ex...maybe it was because he was my "first love" or I actually did have deep seated feelings for him but I was a hot mess. Getting drunk and calling him and making a fool of myself. And all for what? For someone's attention that didn't want to return it to begin with. Lame!

I spent a good part of the rest of the year being eternally depressed about things. I had lost the one person I thought I was going to be with for a very long time and I was working in an ultra-conservative department of the Governement in an office full of 50 somethings eating lunch alone everyday. Its always hard to accept change, but accepting it because its forced upon you and not something you can predict or forsee is the hardest. How was I supposed to know that The Ex didn't love me...I mean people take advantage of the fact that when someone tells you they love you, they actually mean it. I'd be damn sure before throwing yourself into that situation. If you ever happen to find out they don't and were just telling you because its what you wanted to hear you may end up wanting to throw yourself off a cliff.

Eventually crying myself to sleep at night faded to a few nights a week and I slowly started to get my sea legs again, only to have them torn from under me when I was fired from Fish and Wildlife. Big surprise? NOT! I mean here I am this quirky homosexual working with a bunch of Republicans. Even I should have known that shit wasn't going last long. The crappy thing is, I was going on vacation that weekend and ended up training my replacement which, at the time, I thought was the temp replacing me for the two days I'd be gone. I knew I was getting fired that morning because the "temp" accidentally dropped she was getting her employee benefit orientation that afternoon for working here in the office. HELLO...I used to work internally for this company...I know the contract I was working and how many people were on it....ONE...ME. Good-bye! It took every restraint in my body not to ream everyone in that office for wearing discounted clothing from Marshall's and destroying all the SOP's I had written for the temp. Instead I left like a lady and cried when I got on the metro.

From there I ended up working for On the Border full time where I used to be just part-time. Let me tell you, smelling like a G.D. chimichanga on a daily basis was the highlight of my professional career. That lasted for like 3 months and then I got a job working in the box office for Shakespeare Theatre Company. Meanwhile my home situation was getting worse and worse. First my current roommate because a total bitch. I mean not that she wasn't to begin with, she just turned it on me eventually. That's ok though, her boyfriend is a cheater and deserves better than her anyway and I slept with their straight friend on the living room floor one evening. Newsflash...not straight. Whoops. I mean you know that saying "I just can't quite put my finger on it."? Well, I put my finger on it :)

Anyway, I moved out and moved in with Straight Lady. Well that didn't go over so well with the other roommate, who's name I'll dedicate Tranny Bitch to. He wanted to charge me like $400 a month to live in the same room as Straight Lady. Whore please! So I moved out once again and ended up at some dear friends of mine who I'm lucky still let me stay at their place. Not that I'm really there anyway. I think I can count the number of times I've slept in the townhouse on one hand, in the past month. Not to say that I don't like it there, but its very far from work and everything else I do that I end up staying at friends' places a lot of the times. At least I'm not burdening them on electricity and heat...I'm never there to use it!

That pretty much brings me to the very first time I blogged as Just Jack which vaults you right up to this posting. The whole reason for this post is because its been exactly a year since I broke up with The Ex and I think I've come full circle. I started dating on a regular basis again. Same old heartbreak and wastes of time. Buddy (see previous two postings) was a huge waste of life, but that's always, its a learning experience. I moved on to someone else who's still not the most appropriate but is a good person and I will continue to explore that opportunity, even though he may not be here in 3 months. In the meantime I still pine over someone that I can't have but know they feel the same way about me which makes the situation even harder to stomache but one can't sit around and wait for something to happen or someone to change their mind. Instead I will continue to move forward and see what happens in life. I can't sit and dwell on things that could be, would be, wanna be, blah blah blah. Living life in the moment seems the best remedy for an over-active brain.

Take my advice, I know what I'm talking least most of the time ;) Life is a growth experience and everyday is an opportunity to learn something new. And, I know I've said this a million times and I'll say it a million times more, don't discount shop. It makes you look cheap and nobody will like you. Sad :(

Later Gators,


Sunday, April 26, 2009

All's well that ends crazy trannyville!

Guten Evening this fine Sunday!

I'm relaxing with a crappy movie and a corona at Starfish's house and thought..."What a great time to catch up on my blogging!" Its been a great day of sleeping in, food, and laying out in the sun :)

Things have been insane at work planning for this event that happened last Tuesday. Welcome to Washington. It should have been called Welcome to the All-Consuming Project Resulting in Coming in on the Weekends and Working Late Evening for Two Weeks Straight. Complaining? Not. At. All! It was probably the coolest night of my life and one of my finer achievements in the professional world. Along with my co-workers we ended up pulling of an amazing evening complete with performing arts organizations, congress and the White House, and Mrs. Obama herself!! It was awesome! Although no one was allowed to talk to her except Michael which was totally lame and the hoops we had to jump through with her Secret Service security detail was a nightmare but all of it was complete worth it to have her there and me sit two rows behind her! Miss Procras was my arm candy for the night and I introduced her to a lot of different people as well as the open bar post-show! Despite Michelle gracing us with her presence I'd have to say the highlight of the evening had to be my very own sugar daddy. Let me explain.

So Michael has an older friend who is an interior designer...he also likes young attracctive boys. And not to be conceited (except for the fact that I am) I fall in to that category. Well as the reception was crowded I didn't notice the multitude of people bumping in to me so when Michael's friend casual brushes up against my leg...I don't feel a thing. It wasn't until he asked me what kind of underwear I was wearing that I realized it was him brushing up against me. Oh. My. God. Bye! I politely answered that they were boxer briefs and then quickly headed to the bar for a refill of bourbon.

Relationship Update:

So this past friday was Straight Lady's birthday. We went to Front Page...did the straight thing. For the most part it was a good night. Aside from a few hang ups it was a fun evening complete with the fact that Straight Lady couldn't walk 2 blocks past DuPont circle before needing me to get the car and come to her. It was fantastic! But, Buddy...the guy I've been dating for the past month was supposed to meet us out. Well he didn't...didn't call...didn't communicate anything other than he was taking a quick nap before meeting us out. So its a little frustrating when all of my friends are like "Where's Buddy?" and I have to say..."I have no idea." Now I'd let it go but its not the first time this has happened. So I express my annoyance the next day but, being the bigger person I let it go and asked him if he'd like to hang out the next day and to let me know....

Um so fast forward 5 days later and I get an email. It said the following:

Subject: So

Do you want your Rent DVD back?

Excuse me? That is all you have to say after not speaking to me for five days. Done. Good bye. Get out of here! I was so annoyed because even though I had already let go of the fact that a viable relationship was going to come from Buddy...we still hadn't had that conversation. I mean he was a nice guy and I enjoyed my time with him but I need someone a little more speedy. Relaxing is great and it was nice to have the down time but sleeping through plans you make with me twice is not ok. Set an alarm...its what they're made for!

That's ok...I got some action this past Friday. Whom? I can not disclose to the masses due to the sensitivity of the information. If you want to know I'll tell you if its appropriate :) Just ask! It was a pretty great evening and the sex was pretty good too. Not great, but then again we were both pretty intoxicated and it hindered a few things...but over all much needed. And he kisses well too so that was a plus. We know that's a big dealbreaker for me.

Anyway...Tomorrow begins another work week. Hopefully it'll be relaxing. I don't have much going on other than rehearsal for an upcoming show I'm in. I play a gay chorus dancer with aids...its a comedy. Not that aids is a laughing matter...there are plenty of aids babies in Africa who are suffering...I'm just glad I'm not one of them. Hurray non-life threatening diseases!



Monday, April 13, 2009


So slap me, put me down, call me names (don't really I'm sensitive)! From a lethal combination of work, laziness, and Happy Hour involving $5 cosmos (hot mess)...I haven't kept up with blogging. Don't judge me! Well actually, I have no room to speak about judging other people...lord knows I'm judging you right now. Probably because you're wearing disgusting ballet flats or something stuck in your teeth!

Anyway, I've missed you all and I'm sure you've missed me ;) The title of today's blog is more than appropriate for a variety of reasons...particularly because it seems that most people in my life right now are dealing with boy issues, in one form or another, including myself. Then again when is a lady not having boy troubles? Its so hard being pretty sometimes!

Ok, let's begin. I'll take on a case by case basis:

Straight Lady
Facts of the Case: Prior to moving down here Straight Lady's long term boyfriend, Flavored Douche, cheated on her with his Ex-Fiance...yeah I know, take a minute. Long story, short...she takes him back, things are off, she moves down to DC and they break up. Time goes by, he still loves her; she still loves him.
Recent Developments: Straight Lady finally caves in to my advice of trying to work things out long distance. Nothing annoyed me more than the fact that you have two people who want to be together but refuse to for one Tranny reason or another....BYE! Thank you for finally getting some sense in that brain of yours. Love you!

Miss Procras
Facts of the Case: Miss Procras and Arnold Shwarzenshortie have been dating for quite some time now. For the first time, I actually think that she's in love. Not to discredit her (love you bitch!) but I've never seen her act like this before.
Recent Developments: Miss Procras and Arnold broke up. For reasons I will not divulge due to information that is so sensitive you'd swear you were having a yeast infection ;) OMG calm down, I'm kidding. Right now they're in negotiations...he said, she said nonsense. But I'm confident that it'll all turn out for the best. He'll either realize he's being a 6 year old and she'll figure her shit out and they have 10,000 babies together OR they break it off for good and find other creatures in the sea!

Just Jack
Facts of the Case: Things are going well with Buddy. I like him a lot but I'm still trying to figure out if our speeds are going to match in the long run. My friends seem to like him a lot; which is a first for the previous people I've dated.
Recent Developments: There are none because its happening now! Will continue the dating thing and will let folks know if I qualify Buddy as boyfriend material. Fingers crossed?!

Such complications dating presents when you're past all the butterflies and cloud 9 BS of the first 2 weeks of being together. That time is simple...its the getting to know you, kissing for the first time, dinners, drinks, and so on and so forth. Everything after that is questions and doubts and what ifs and what does that means and actual work to make it last. That's the part no one tells you about. That's the part that if you screw up you can't take back. My advice? Psh...I have none. I guess one just has to figure out their own pace. Most of the time its wrong and you end up heartbroken or angry or both. I guess when you finally get it right is when you know you've found a keeper. Just a few general rules/guidelines know to weed out the useless ones before you waste even the first two weeks.

1. Have they or are they open to shopping at the following stores: Ross, Kohl's, or Marshalls?
2. Do they kiss well?
3. Do they get along with your friends?
4. Do they pay for things?
5. Is there dress both appropriate and attractive?

If the answer is no to any of the above...C-ya. Ciao. Have a nice day. Kohl's is having a sale on Candies shoes and you're missing one last pair to make it an even 20, BYE! Once you've moved on from those 5 you can really open yourself up to the possibility that maybe this one won't be a huge a*hole. I mean, if anything, a good lay? Whatever works for you!

Other than boy topics I've been cast in a show: Jeffrey. Its a play that they made into a movie in the late 90's. Rent it. Love it. So good. For those that don't know yet I play Darius, a young dancer from Cats. Yes, I get to wear the leotard!

Ok well I'm done for to finish up work and put my tuxedo on for the Helen Hayes awards and to be some old man's arm candy for the evening. Network, network, network!

Mwah! Love you! Kisses!