Friday, February 20, 2009

A Recap: Part Deux and a Heif

The picture is a little outdated...but I thought it was funny and appropriate to the story :)

Ok, so I believe I left off with The Twelve Year let's commence.

This past Friday evening a big ole group of us go to Town to dance the evening away. Straight Lady and I, along with a few of our friends, go to JR's first for drinks. I have 5...don't judge, it had been a long week! So I'm feeling pretty toasty upon arrival at the club and proceed to have a great time. Amongst the company was Tortilla Strip, J-Crew (I have a good story about that one later), High School Musical (which moving forward has been renamed Sharpay), Legs McGee, and an assortment of other friends. I was having a lot of fun and not really on the prowl for any action that evening...but you know what they say...when you aren't looking forward is when everything tends to happen.

Anyway...I'm dancing and there's this little guy hanging around our crowd...slightly socially awkward and clingy. I come to find out he's Legs' friend and just trying to have a good time. I think he's a little dorky but I go with it and by the end of the night we're dancing together and making out. Ting! I'm taking him home. I'm drunk and decided it was perfectly fine to get a little somethin somethin out of this.

At this point in the evening I have lost everyone to the four corners of the club and start to leave...its 2:30 and I'm ready to get the plan started, if you know what I mean. So I leave with The Twelve Year old and go back to his place. I drive. First off, he doesn't know how to get back to his apartment from Town. Red flag number one. How do you not know? I finally make it to an area he recognizes in one smooth shot and I park. We go upstairs and start talking and I find out two things that immediately turn me off: he's 22 and a republican. Red flags number 2 and 3. Then the icing on the cake...he voted for McCain. Red flags number 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9....I should have left but I was tired and was still hopeful for something good to come out of the situation.

[The rest of this story is going to be told as if one were going to a restaurant on a date. Keep in mind that finishing the entree and having desert is a metaphor for getting it on in the best way possible.]
Ok so I think we're going for the full course meal and proceed to have drinks (making out). Then we stop and I was asked if I was disappointed...meaning I wasn't getting any. Fine...I'm ok with just drinks...I'm tired, its late...he's republican, its time for bed. BUT I was then accosted with more drinks about five minutes later and I think, Ok appetizers are being served and logically following, dinner and dessert. We get to dinner where he orders just for himself and eats while I watch and then came dessert which he also ordered and finished himself. I was left with watching the whole thing unfold and was stuck with the bill at the end and no dessert. In english...we got naked, he finished himself, and I got nothing but blue balls and a headache. Waste. Of. Time. Goodbye!!!

I should have known that a gay 22 year old republican wasn't going to be great, but to my defense I didn't know this information prior to entering his place of residence. I mean, he's a really nice kid...great kisser and not terribly unattractive. (I wouldn't have gone home with him unless I thought otherwise). But see here's the thing...Sunday rolls around and I guess he's drinking and playing games with his friends at his place and proceeds to text me like 8 thousand times to come over and hang out. Meanwhile I'm running around working because I went to see a play with my friends where I work and ended up walking So I was at Harris Teets getting a cheese platter and ignoring all these texts from Twelve Year old. Helllooooo...I'm working, we met two days ago, and you left me hanging...oh and did I mention you voted for McCain!!? Slow. Your. Roll. And give me your gay card...its been revoked in the name of all that is rainbow's and yellow equality signs. You can have it back when you've earned your high heels in this area! I swear to Ganymede...all I needed was for him to tell me he shops at Kohl's for me to throw my bronzer compact at his face and run screaming out the door!

Lesson to be learned here...stay away from people who look like they're 12 and make sure they aren't republican beforehand. Doesn't make for a fun evening and you're just going to have to excuse yourself and do things yourself. Needless to say we will not be going out on a date...friends I'm ok with.

And just to wrap up everyone else's evening post-Town. J-Crew ended up getting so drunk that he passed out on the couch downstairs next to the dance floor, vomed all over the club when he was woken up, and then spent the night in the back seat of his own car in his own parking garage for a good portion of the evening until Tort Strip forced him inside. Another friend of mine whom I'll call Schaff also threw up in the bathroom at mess both of them. Straight Lady was angry at me because she thought I was leaving her and had to repay the cover to get back in the club and overdrafted her account. Other than that everyone else seemed to have a good time :) We'll definitely have to do it again!
Peace, Love, and Transexuals!


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Last Two Weeks...a recap part I

Holy Buckets it has been far too long since I've written and I have much to disseminate to the masses! The past two weeks have been riddled with ridiculousness that has to be shared so let's begin...

So Straight Lady and I are invited to a friend's party. First of all its a hilighter party and was not aware of the fact prior to walking through the front door. I, of course, am wearing brown and proceed to be one of 2 people in the room that isn't glowing. Secondly, who the hell throws a hilighter party post college time? Can we discuss for a hot minute how old we all are and step up the party game to something a little more sophisticated and less tranny!? I was surrounded by masses of homosexuals who obviously don't know life outside of their backwater existance in the Prince William County area and the girls they brought along for the ride...most of whom took it up on themselves to "redesign" their white t-shirts to show as much skin as possible. Newsflash!! Everyone in the rooms a big Mo...flash your tatas all you like sugar lips, you ain't gettin any!

Anyway, past the initial awkward hello's upon first entering the room I was then hit with another wave of awkwardness when Resuce Me Joe: The Original put his arm around me. Let me explain. A year and a half ago I met this 22 year old firefighter/paramedic combo...just like my most recent Rescue Me Joe, whom...if you'll recall, has been renamed Rescue Me Fuck Face. He was nice we hung out/did stuff for like a month. That is, until he decided to remain at the bar with someone else and pick up his car from my apartment complex the next morning without another phone call again. Do I care? I did but I'm over it...I mean that's just rude. We recently reconnected via Facebook where he apologized for being a huge asshole which is fine...I don't hold least not for very long (it causes wrinkles)! So annnnyway, he was at the party, which was fine, but he kept making really awkward comments for instance: He wanted to spray my hair white like all the other dorks in the room and I said no I was going downtown later and his reply "I'll follow you anywhere downtown with my hair painted too!" Or when he put his arm around me and was explaining to his pal that he was a real asshole to me and blah blah blah. I mean, get over're a cutie but grow up.

I have found that the similarities between the original Rescue Me Joe and the latest installment of paramedical wastes of time are striking. Both of them lack a certain emotional maturity required to be in an adult relationship of any kind. The original left me without a phone call and the last one defriended me on Facebook. Seriously? A simple "I don't think this is working out." would have sufficed just fine. Another quality is that both seem to think that their job is something worldly that no one else comes close to. Newsflash! Its great you save lives, no one cares to hear about it 24/7. There are more things to talk about other than how you stuck an IV in someone's arm today. Guess what I saw a play at my job...yeah that's what I thought, just as interesting. Find new topics of conversation boys, and grow a pair while you're at it! Both of them were/are good people just quit acting like douche bags.

The lesson here folks: Stay away from career firefighters/paramedics. They're too emotionally unattached to people unless they're preventing someone from dying. I think its great what they do but it tends to be all they focus on in life. I think its good to have a career to remain extremely focused on and strive to be the best you can but either learn how to balance work and relationships or, do everyone a favor and don't get involved to begin with. Seriously! Hooking up is one thing, but beginning to date someone and then not have the balls to cut it off appropriately is another...

Speaking of hooking up...I have another number to add. I affectionately refer to him as The Twelve Year old...that's a story for part II of this recap!



Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Ash Wednesday? Did you mean SmAsh Wednesday!!?

So I had to share a blurb from Miss Procras's was too good not to! She goes on a series of made up holidays to fill the gap one has an excuse to drink between now and the next big drink fest...St. Patty's Day. Below is the best one I think...enjoy and feel free to share any holidays you'd like to create! New traditions are always welcome :)


*Wednesday, 2/25: Many people are at church on Ash Wednesday. I haven’t been since 2002. My alternative? (Hopefully without sounding like too much of a blasphemer.) Flaming shots! The matches from lighting them on fire create ash…what better way to mark the start of Lent!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Costco, Chicken Bakes, Trannies...Oh My!

Alrighty Peoples...I have returned once again.

This past weekend was interesting to say the least and I'm going to share with you accordingly. Hold on to your butts...and enjoy!

I have to begin with Friday morning, it starts a good precedent for the weekend. So I come in to work; its the last day of my first week in my new job and I'm feeling pretty great. Michael Kahn steps in and hands me a list of people he wants me to contact to set up phone conversations for later that afternoon/early next week. And guess, of all people, who was on the list. Christina Scheppleman. I'm going to assume that no one knows who she is...hell I wouldn't know who she is EXCEPT for the fact that its The Ex's boss. Yep, she works at the Washington National Opera...second in command really. So I look on the website...there's no number for her and I don't know who else to get a hold of so who do I have to call...The Ex. Yep...reallllllly great way to start the weekend. "Hello, we haven't spoken in 6 months because I think you're a bag of douche but I need to make an appointment with your boss on bahalf of my boss...blah blah blah." Shoot me in the face!

All told it wasn't that big of a deal after the initial exchange of shaloms. It was kept professional and it was actually nice to hear his voice has been a while.

ANYWAY, after that awkward encounter I spent the rest of the day doing nothing because Michael left at 1:30 and I worked on other gchat! Friday night I went out to happy hour with co-workers to welcome me to the theatre and then went out with Straight Lady...JR's per usual, then we were heading to Town but ended up at Cobalt instead and met up with Tortilla Strip, J-Crew, and Leg's McGee (see previous posts for more information). We all had a good time aside from the husband-husband drama between Tort and J-Crew. I swear they have an issue everytime we go out. Laaaame! Goodbye!

Saturday I wake up and head to the theatre I manage and help with build and painting. Tort meets me and we go to heaven...and by heaven I mean lunch...and by lunch I really mean heaven...and by I really mean heaven I really mean Lunch at Costco. Two words bitches...Chicken. Bake. Let's discuss please. It is a roll of dough covered with asiago cheese...inside chunks of chicken, cheese, bacon, and cesar dressing. (I don't like cesar but the combo was amazing). I had a mini O upon consumption of this gloriously greasy log of deliciousness. Highly reccomend it for any morning hangover cure. Along with a soda each, and one non-fat froyo between us the total was...8 dollars. Shut the hell up! Eight tranny dollars for all that food. Moving forward I will continue to eat at Costco on an ongoing basis in order to fully develop my appreciation for cheap food in what can only be described as White Trash Mecca. Done!

As we're eating our cheap meal I start to really notice my surroundings. I can't tell you how many matching sweatsuits, sideways pony tails, and all around trash there was walking around. I felt like more than half the people at the Manassas might I dressed in the dark from a closet filled with clothes from Marshalls. There were, however, some good looking gentleman there. Tort made fun of me by saying I was going to find the love of my life there. I can see it now..."JJ, where did you meet your boyfriend?" "Since you asked...He pulled up next to me while I was consuming my 3rd chicken bake of the day. His cart was full of bulk items that would have fed a small country for a day. He smiled, said hi. I smiled back. We chatted over non-fat frozen yogurt and then he helped me pick a new flavor of toothpaste that came in a pack of 47 tubes." You say tranny? I say perfection!

But, alas, all I got was an 8 year old at the table next to us. He has to be described as one of those children that you want to believe has a mental illness but, in actuality does not...they just look stupid naturally. The boy hadn't had a shower in probably 4 days and he was staring at us. There were crumbs on the table and the right thing to do would be to brush them off. He did...except instead of brushing them on the floor, he wiped his finger down the table and the proceeded to put it in his mouth. Oh. My. God. Goodbye! I mean I understand being hungry but eating the crumbs left over from the mexican family and their 9 children is NOT sanitary! Good thing I had already finished my chicken bake...we would of had words, the child and I, had that interupted anything other than the frozen yogurt. So we finished up and went shopping for what we needed and left.

Saturday night I went out with some friends for a birthday in Manassas and then went downtown with Miss Procras! JR's...again. We had fun. I ended up trying to talk to this guy who seemed interested but he was shy and we kept getting interupted by a multitude of drunk assholes that wouldn't leave him alone. I swear its like the gays know when there's a cute shy one...they all want to take him. I didn't sink my talons in far enough because he ended up leaving with his friend because he was annoyed with everyone. I don't blame him.

Superbowl sunday wasn't super. I made buffalo chicken delicious! and hung out with my friend High School Muscical. Her and I go way back to HS and it was nice to pig out and do nothing all day! I went home before half-time and watched a movie instead.

That's all..I'm tired of typing and I don't care enough about any of you to continue any further :) Word of advice though, for this posting at least, don't deny the many wonders Costco has to offer. Go. Enjoy the chicken bake. Don't be ashamed. As Tortilla Strip put so eloquently "Its ok to partake in what the little people enjoy on a regular basis.' true although can't be seen doing that shit too much...I might start buying things from places like Kohl's and then I ask everyone to throw a pair of minolo's at my face and bring my back to reality!