Tuesday, July 21, 2009

This Isn't McFadden's Bitch...

To all my bitches out there...

This past weekend made me aware of a bigger issue going on than poorly dressed gay men with their too low cut v-necks and skinny jeans...or, in the case of Halo on Saturday, an overly-eclectic ensemble resulting in one too many fashionista choices making the wearer look like a gay homeless person. The bigger issue I'm talking about...girls at gay bars.

I have brought many of my girlfriends to the bars/clubs with me and they've, for the most part, behaved accordingly. The only person I can think of that needed a spanking and time-out was Miss Procras but we'll get to that in a minute! Below I've outlined a few things that girls should be aware of when out with the gays and for the boys to gently remind the girls should the need arise.

1. Dressing to the nines is typically frowned upon because who are you trying to impress? Hello, its a gay bar and you're not getting any ass. Stick with the basics: jeans, a fun top that reveals a little tata (97% of all gay men LOVE your nips!), heels, and a cute clutch/purse. Its all that's needed. Nothing more necessary unless you're coming from a fancy date or outing. Remember, you should never look better dressed than your gay, its rude and embarassing!

2. Gay bars make their drinks stronger, cheaper, and the wait is about 15 minutes shorter to get a beverage. Pace yourself accordingly. Typical rule of thumb if you've never been to a gay bar...2-3 drinks should send you flying depending on where you're going. Jr's for instance: 3 drinks and see how you feel. Halo: 1.5 and you're good to go; 2 and you might be on the floor. Don't be that drunk girl who doesn't know how to hang but proceeds to get wasted only to throw up on the bar floor. Again, don't embarass your gay. I don't get trashy in your straight establishments, don't get trashy in mine :)

3. Dancing when dancing is not appropriate is not ok. If you see less than 5 people shaking their groove thing, chances are dancing isn't allowed or looked favorably upon in the gaystablishment that you're currently in. If you find yourself overcome with the shaking your booty you're probably on drink number 2 or 3 and its time to take a minute and assess. When in doubt ask your gay, he knows best!

4. Typically when I mention drinks above I mean a cocktail of some kind. Beer is typically only ok to order if your gay orders beer but, in general, liquor is the way to go. Ordering beer might make you look like a lesbian and chances are you might be kidnapped as there are so few that come out to play.

5. Always have cash on hand. You never know when there's going to be a cover somewhere and most places require a tab minimum that you could not possibly reach yourself. You'd end up violating one or more of the above.

6. It is ALWAYS appropriate to play wing-man for your gay. If an agreed upon cutie is spotted it is your job to help strike up conversation as you have nothing to lose. Introducing your man to his future husband or evening "fun" is a big deal and responsibility. Rise to the challenge!

7. Last, but not least...no making out with anyone of any kind. Its trashy because either 1. You've found a needle in a haystack and hit it off drunkenly (aka a straight guy) or 2. You're making out with another gay; also trashy. You're a visitor in a different land, my dear. This is the only rule I've had to reprimane a lady friend for. Sorry Miss Procras have to call you out on making out with The Hoff in the corner when the bar only had like 10 people in it to begin with. Not approp!

That's about all. There are exceptions to every rule...none of which you're allowed to make a judgement call on your own without first consulting your gay. Also, if your gay breaks any of these rules himself chances are you're exuding behavior that's causing the rest of the bar to leer and judge you. Always be aware of your surroundings ladies and don't be afraid to ask questions. There's nothing more truthful that the sharp sting of a homo's opinion about that ugly choice in earings or your tranny behavior out if you've had one to many Jr's cocktails :)

In other news I may or may not be found dead in my work Pod as the Jewish boy with a unibrow and a thirst for chatting via facebook just started working in the Teleservices Dept. Let's just say that a chance encounter at the gay jewish pop concert I went to coupled with the fact that he just happened to come see the play I was in leads me to believe there's a bigger design happening. Do me a favor and make my story in to a lifetime movie if I die...I'd like it to be titled "Shalom Death: The Raymond Bracken Story." I'd enjoy Chace Crawford playing the title role.

Speaking of Jewishness, I have a date with another Jew next week. Great guy so far and apparently spoon compatible AND he doesn't have a unibrow and isn't balding. I'd say, in the past lineup of mo's that I've dated this one's got one up on some of the others already!

That's it from me for today. Remember to follow the rules bitches...its not that hard. If you can't, stay home its that easy!



Thursday, July 16, 2009

I've Got Sunshine Coming Out of My Ass So Back off Tranny!

So I've been told that I'm bitchy, complain a lot, and never seem to be happy about anything. For those that don't know me well and read the blog you'll find that tends to be true. I guess my sarcastic, biting wit is a little overwhelming for folks and think of me as the Tranny Queen who has nothing better to do than talk about other people and how unhappy I am with the cards I've been dealt with on a regular basis.

Well, I'm here to set a few records straight. Please don't get me wrong...the following post does not mean that I'm going to stop complaining about boys, making fun of your ugly ballet flats you thought were a good idea but were not because they were on the sale rack at Marshalls, or being a sarcastic a*hole. Its all part of the package, I guess I just haven't given you the sweeter, more demur side of myself. (Did some of you just vom in your mouth a little bit? I did.)

Ok, in all seriousness I'm not as overdramatic and nasty as I tend to make myself out to be in my postings. I'm really, in my opinion, a pretty down to earth guy. I have a lot of love to give and HUGE heart...I just tend to have no one to share it with. Or when I do, its not reciprocated. So yeah, sometimes I'm bitter.

But who wouldn't be? I'm 25 years old, and granted that might be a little young...but this guy wants to settle down with someone. What's wrong in wanting that at such a young age? Half of the people I went to school with are either married, on they're way to getting married, OR they're already married and preggers or have 8 babies already. Now I may be ready to settle my ass down but I am NOT ready to take care of a child until at least the age of 37...maybe 40. One good thing about being a homo, you don't have a biological clock ticketing against you :) All we have to worry about is our wanning good looks which can be held astray with proper moisturizer and skin care! Speaking of which, I've started using the new Dove bodywash...amazing! I highly reccommend the grapefruit and lemongrass. Trust me, you won't be disappointed!

And as I think I've mentioned recently I've cut useless drama out of my life. I quit Managing Director which means absolutely no more dealing with issues and taking in stress from people telling you you're not good enough. I've also joined a gym...a rather cheap and crappy one, but hey I run 3 miles everytime I go and work out on the machines. Its good enough for my skinny ass and that's all that matters! I've been keeping up regularly and I hope I continue to keep it up. The goal is be able to fill out a t-shirt properly by the end of September and keep going from there.

I don't know though...I think about my life constantly and what I'm doing wrong. I am lonely, I'll admit. And there's a couple people out there that I think I would drop a lot to be with but I'm tired of making sacrafices and not having someone else take a risk too. Isn't that what living life and falling in love is all about? Taking a risk. If it doesn't work then you gave it your best shot and move on. But don't half ass around your feelings or waste my time or yours. And for all of you out there that think I'm flammingly overdramatic...kiss my ass. Mwahhh! I know more than you think and probably have the best advice out of anyone you'll ever meet. Why? Because I like to look at all the angles. And NEWSFLASH I love kids...only if they're well behaved BUT I'm good with them because I love people and they aren't anything more than bite-sized versions of adults. I realize that more and more...we're all hedonistic little children-bitches vying for that ever elusive place of happiness where we can sit back and say "I'm here and I'm satisfied."

Maybe that's why I write about all the negative angles. No one thinks getting what you want is funny. Its making fun of the fact that you were dumped via Facebook by an asshole or that small moment of insanity that drives you to by Liz Claiborne bronzer instead of Mac that people find amusing.

We're all in the same boat here aren't we? We just want to be happy and sometimes writing about the unhappy stuff in a tragic and tired way makes moving on a little easier. Work it out your own way and leave me to mine. If you don't like it...go to Kohl's or kiss my naught bits; whichever you prefer ;)

Love you mean it!


P.S. For clarification I am always the little spoon. In case you were wondering.

Monday, July 6, 2009

There's No Place Like Home...to make you want to throw yourself out a window!

Well kids, I'm on furlough starting today for the entire week. I thought, hey since I have the time off, why don't I go home for a quiet vacation at my parents' house. I'll take my bestfriend and we'll pop on down to Va Beach for a few days and relax poolside drinking beer and enjoying being lazy.

If I ever think that'd be a good idea again...I want to you to force me into the Kohl's parking lot and threaten that you'll take me inside to shop. I'll learn my lesson, I promise.

Let me explain. Things have been fairly good up until yesterday. My mother thinks I'm mad at her because we're not hanging out downstairs or eating every meal with them. I love my mom but leave it to her to make me feel like I'm doing nothing right with my life. She's the kind of person that thinks everything is your fault...

ME: "Ma, I didn't sleep at all last night"
Mom: "Maybe it's because you feel guilty about spending money on useless things."

Me: "I don't feel well."
Mom: "Maybe you should of stayed home last night like I told you too."

Me: "I'm not happy with having to take a furlough."
Mom: "Maybe you should move back home and save money instead of wasting your time on something that you should throw yourself off a cliff if you think its going to get you any where in life."

Oooook ma...that's enough. She's extremely frustrating and the more annoyed you get the more she turns it on. Its like a sixth sense. She knows when she's getting on your nerves and she keep nagging and nagging until you explode. Then she gets upset that you said something. Um...please go knit quietly in the corner and get out of my face!

Straight Lady is here with me and keeping me as sane as she has humanly possible to do but it doesn't really help. We did, however, have a fabulous time Friday night reliving my Rainbow Cactus experience from last Thanksgiving. See my previous Rainbow Plant Post. This time I took my camera...at which point, during the drag show, a bouncer came up to Straight Lady and said "Ma'am, there is not picture taking in the club." What she should of said back is "Ok, I'll let you know when I'm in one!" She complied and I put the camera back in my car. We enjoyed the rest of our evening including our 8 drinks each and $30 bar tab. The music they played was ridiculous. I think I heard Love Game by Lady Gaga and I'm Bossy by Kelis at least 4 times each and NOT ONE time did I hear a single Britney song! I went up to the DJ, and I use that term loosely because I'm sure he burns sweet CD's from his Dell desktop at home and brings in the mixes, and asked him to play Britney. He asked me which song and I was like "Any will do!" ...I still didn't get any Britney.

I've used this time to reflect on my week as well. Last week was a big one for me. I made a lot of decisions that suprised me, scared me, upset me, and made me happy all at the same time. I quit my Managing Director post at the theatre company I've been spearheading for over a year. I decided to make a conscious effort to start saving money and finally get my ass to the city by January, and I called things off with the guy that I was seeing. All of these things were causing a lot of unnecessary complications in my life and I had to cut them out. Was it something I wanted to do? Yes and No. I really enjoyed being Managing Director...not a lot of people can say they do that at my age. A lot of people didn't think I was doing the best job, but I poured my heart in to that and took as much from it that I'll remember my time there for the rest of my life.

This really came from my decision to move in to the city. I work in the city, I play in the city...I belong in the city. And then lastly I stopped seeing the boy. That was a particularly upsetting decision but I decided that I'm not going to settle for anything less than what I deserve and I all I think I deserve is getting the feeling of being wanted. The one thing I still miss from The Ex is that feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and get excited to see one another. Or the way he called me Baby Duck. Or waited outside on his front stoop for me to drive up. Just little things that are important. And who knows, the boy might work out if things are different and situations change but I can't sit around and hope for something to happen that might not ever. Its just annoying because the more one wants to be in a relationship the less likely its going to happen and the less you think about the more likely its going to happen but not in the way you want it to work out.

Dating is dumb. Boys are really fucking stupid. And I'm the exception to the rule in being at the age of 25 and wanting to settle down with someone. Boys, get your shit together. I'm a catch :) Slightly high maintenance but nothing you can't handle with a kiss on the cheek and stupid obsession with say, BBQ sauce or late night wine and movies. Oh well...I guess I'll continue to focus on my carreer and taking the steps necessary to improve the quality of ME. I've joined a gym and I'm starting to go on a regular basis. I will move in to the city. And I will have the life that I've wanted to live for a long time. AND I will continue to uphold that I will not discount shop...unless of course I have a momentary lapse of sanity and do it anyway. (Confession: I went to Old Navy this weekend and bought not one but 2 lightweight zip up hoodies) They're adorable and you can't tell they're from Old Navy...but as on blogger to my readers I feel the need to confess accordingly. But I also got really cute underwear ;)

Ok, back to Food Network in the Kitchen...as I part just think about where you're at in life and ask yourself if you're happy. If you aren't, maybe its time for a change of pace. Throw out the kitchen sink and redecorate. Its not like anyone but me will judge you and matter...go for it. I'll tell you if you're wrong!