Tuesday, July 21, 2009

This Isn't McFadden's Bitch...

To all my bitches out there...

This past weekend made me aware of a bigger issue going on than poorly dressed gay men with their too low cut v-necks and skinny jeans...or, in the case of Halo on Saturday, an overly-eclectic ensemble resulting in one too many fashionista choices making the wearer look like a gay homeless person. The bigger issue I'm talking about...girls at gay bars.

I have brought many of my girlfriends to the bars/clubs with me and they've, for the most part, behaved accordingly. The only person I can think of that needed a spanking and time-out was Miss Procras but we'll get to that in a minute! Below I've outlined a few things that girls should be aware of when out with the gays and for the boys to gently remind the girls should the need arise.

1. Dressing to the nines is typically frowned upon because who are you trying to impress? Hello, its a gay bar and you're not getting any ass. Stick with the basics: jeans, a fun top that reveals a little tata (97% of all gay men LOVE your nips!), heels, and a cute clutch/purse. Its all that's needed. Nothing more necessary unless you're coming from a fancy date or outing. Remember, you should never look better dressed than your gay, its rude and embarassing!

2. Gay bars make their drinks stronger, cheaper, and the wait is about 15 minutes shorter to get a beverage. Pace yourself accordingly. Typical rule of thumb if you've never been to a gay bar...2-3 drinks should send you flying depending on where you're going. Jr's for instance: 3 drinks and see how you feel. Halo: 1.5 and you're good to go; 2 and you might be on the floor. Don't be that drunk girl who doesn't know how to hang but proceeds to get wasted only to throw up on the bar floor. Again, don't embarass your gay. I don't get trashy in your straight establishments, don't get trashy in mine :)

3. Dancing when dancing is not appropriate is not ok. If you see less than 5 people shaking their groove thing, chances are dancing isn't allowed or looked favorably upon in the gaystablishment that you're currently in. If you find yourself overcome with the shaking your booty you're probably on drink number 2 or 3 and its time to take a minute and assess. When in doubt ask your gay, he knows best!

4. Typically when I mention drinks above I mean a cocktail of some kind. Beer is typically only ok to order if your gay orders beer but, in general, liquor is the way to go. Ordering beer might make you look like a lesbian and chances are you might be kidnapped as there are so few that come out to play.

5. Always have cash on hand. You never know when there's going to be a cover somewhere and most places require a tab minimum that you could not possibly reach yourself. You'd end up violating one or more of the above.

6. It is ALWAYS appropriate to play wing-man for your gay. If an agreed upon cutie is spotted it is your job to help strike up conversation as you have nothing to lose. Introducing your man to his future husband or evening "fun" is a big deal and responsibility. Rise to the challenge!

7. Last, but not least...no making out with anyone of any kind. Its trashy because either 1. You've found a needle in a haystack and hit it off drunkenly (aka a straight guy) or 2. You're making out with another gay; also trashy. You're a visitor in a different land, my dear. This is the only rule I've had to reprimane a lady friend for. Sorry Miss Procras have to call you out on making out with The Hoff in the corner when the bar only had like 10 people in it to begin with. Not approp!

That's about all. There are exceptions to every rule...none of which you're allowed to make a judgement call on your own without first consulting your gay. Also, if your gay breaks any of these rules himself chances are you're exuding behavior that's causing the rest of the bar to leer and judge you. Always be aware of your surroundings ladies and don't be afraid to ask questions. There's nothing more truthful that the sharp sting of a homo's opinion about that ugly choice in earings or your tranny behavior out if you've had one to many Jr's cocktails :)

In other news I may or may not be found dead in my work Pod as the Jewish boy with a unibrow and a thirst for chatting via facebook just started working in the Teleservices Dept. Let's just say that a chance encounter at the gay jewish pop concert I went to coupled with the fact that he just happened to come see the play I was in leads me to believe there's a bigger design happening. Do me a favor and make my story in to a lifetime movie if I die...I'd like it to be titled "Shalom Death: The Raymond Bracken Story." I'd enjoy Chace Crawford playing the title role.

Speaking of Jewishness, I have a date with another Jew next week. Great guy so far and apparently spoon compatible AND he doesn't have a unibrow and isn't balding. I'd say, in the past lineup of mo's that I've dated this one's got one up on some of the others already!

That's it from me for today. Remember to follow the rules bitches...its not that hard. If you can't, stay home its that easy!



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