Saturday, August 22, 2009

I don't Twitter, Tweet or anything else of the sort...

But I will write a short blog and update you all accordingly...

Not much to report but its been a week since my last post so I feel the need to write something so I don't dry up completely. The last thing I want is for my readers to get bored and venture elsewhere to get there weekly dose of hard truthful advice about your mismatched outfit, bad dating decisions, or just overall advice about your life and what I know you're doing wrong with it!

Anywho...onward to the following:
  1. One week and 3 days of Queerdom isolation. Well, except for Showtunes last Monday but that was already planned prior to the declaration and therefore grandfathered in and doesn't count. I feel as if its going well. Cold turkey is always tough and its actually turning up my libido because I know I've cut myself off...but I'm pushing through!
  2. A good friend of mine is getting married and had the kind decency to invite me to her bachelorette party. One token gay and a group of straight girls. Let's just the night lived up to every expectation of what a night like that could be including a bright pink sash, tiara, and a giant inflatable penis which we affectionately named Pedro. Overall it was a good time...there were some girls that I could have done with out. Their choice of black cocktail attire was atrocious and flip flops are never a suitable "going out" shoe unless your a guy. Most of the girls were adorable and had on heels (good girls)!
  3. I spent all day today doing nothing but sitting around the house and watching movies and playing the piano. My parents moved my sister in to UVA for her freshman year. My mother is a hot wreck...they just got home actually and I already want to club her in the head with my vera wang cologne bottle sitting on the counter and fixing a mixed drink.
  4. That's all, its late and I don't care enough about anything at the moment to write any further.
Peace, Love, and don't bother me :) Happy Saturday!


Friday, August 14, 2009

Get Thee to a Nunnery...or the nearest Straight Bar

So Rabbi Steve and I are finished. Shocking right? Yeah I should of called time of death two weeks ago and saved myself the trouble of giving it a shot. Great guy, good times, but can't seem to figure his shit out. I'm so glad that I got to be the person that made him realize it. I guess I bring that out in a magnet for self discovery and realization. Too bad I can't exude that on people without having to touch them or get invested in their personal well being. Like some gay super power that I could use to prevent the mexicans and their 8 children from walking in to that Kohl's on their 50% off day. Just. Say. No. I, of course, spoke to Ms. Glickman about everything because she's the one who more or less steered me and the Rabbi in to each other and she calmly explained that, like the Rabbi, she too is jaded and kind of put things in perspective for me regarding his tranny behavior.

Meanwhile, to his credit, he did do it in person which I have to offer up props to as every other asshole I've dated hasn't had so much the courtesy to do that like the mature people I want to think we all are. doesn't mean it still doesn't tick me off. I guess I just see myself as jaded but if I don't put myself out there and try then I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and become nothing more than a bitter old man with all of his good looks wasted. Let's be honest here, I will age gracefully and the salt and pepper hair I know I'm going to get...beautiful!!

Ok in all seriousness, I sit and I complain about boys and I sit and get to be hurt and cry about things sometimes and get angry...why? Because I put myself out there and on the line EVERY single time. I get that it takes a long time to get over things and move on but what are you supposed to be doing in the interim? When is it going to be time to stop sitting in the corner feeling sorry for yourself and the things that have been done to you and get back on the wagon? You can't be any worse off than you already were/are so what is there to lose?

But I get it. Dating is hard and its difficult to just put yourself out there. And, for me, I need a break. I'm all for giving things a go around with guys and giving them the benefit of the doubt...what I am tired of is getting those stupid girl feelings and sharing your excitment about the "new guy" with all of your friends. "Oh this one's different." "He's not like everyone else." "I know I won't get myself caught up but..." Vom. Get outta my face. Its doing that and then having to turn right around like a big embarassed fool to tell everyone it didn't work out. I think that's what takes most of my energy. The fact that you have to face your friends with your tail between your legs like a dog that peed on the carpet and knows it was the wrong thing to do.

So I'm taking a break. No more dating, no more gay bars, no more boys. Other than my previous engagement for Showtunes on more JRs. I deleted my online accounts...and by accounts I mean just one, and, NO, it was not Manhunt. I want to stay the hell away from gay men and I want them to stay the hell away from me. You people continue to waste my time. And when I am ready to get back in to the swing of things I'm going to put together a little cheat sheet and hand it to potential daters. A little Welcome Packet to my life, if you will. An Orientation Guide to me. That way I don't actually have to talk about the things that I look for in my life and you can decide if you want to buy what I'm selling...which CLEARLY, at this point no one seems to want and I'm sick of pushing. You should now that I'm never on sale or a discounted rate...what you see is what you get and I do nothing but exude that from the beginning.

Word of advice. Ask yourself what it is that you want. When you can answer that, go and get it and be damn sure that when you find it you're grateful to keep it. Chances are its rare and, most of the time, doesn't come along more than once. Unlike the sale days at Marshalls...which are as frequent as the hooker I see patrolling the 14th street corridor Tues-Sat. Best of luck in your can find me at the straight bars or at home watching movie trailers with a glass of wine.


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

How Do I Love Thee-Let Me Count the Ways

So at long is Miss Procras's guest blog. I hope you all enjoy...I know I sure did :)

I am beyond honored that Just Jack asked me to guest post on his blog. A) It’s my first-ever guest post and B) I’m lucky enough that Just Jack considers me a friend – he just did MAJOR cutting from his Facebook friends list and after 3 rounds, I haven’t been voted off the island. So I must be doing something right if he’ll allow me to post on the awesomeness that is his blog.

I’ve been privileged to call Just Jack a friend for five years now. After graduating college and moving to the same city, I think we’ve become even closer. Honestly, I don’t know what I’d do without him.

Witness a cell phone conversation I had with my dad recently:

Me: Daddy, I’m really homesick. I don’t feel like I have many close girlfriends in D.C. anymore. Most of them are in Richmond.

Dad: You have Just Jack, don’t you?

Dads are so smart.

Just Jack is always there as a drinking buddy, fashion consultant, love doctor and chick flick enthusiast.

And so, ladies and gents, I bring you: Reasons to Love Just Jack (We all know how much he loves himself already, but I assure you, it is well warranted.)

1) He keeps you motivated while drinking. This is particularly helpful during happy hours or pregames when you’re under a time crunch to get wasted and save money. His go-to pep talk: “Less talking, more drinking."

2) He’s brutally honest, so you know if you’re about to purchase something heinous, he’ll let you know. Ideal shopping partner. (True story: I was about to buy these gold wedges from Steve Madden and I wanted Just Jack’s approval. He came into the store, anxious to get to where we needed to be-probably out drinking-and was annoyed I was holding up the group per usual. He looked at them and said, “Yeah, they’re fine” in a disinterested, straight-male tone. I was convinced he didn’t like them, but that was before I knew him well enough to know he would have said something along the lines, “Honey, those look like something a tranny hooker would wear” if he didn’t think I should buy them.)

3) Whenever you ride in his car, it’s a guaranteed jam fest to such greatness at Britney Spears, Lady Gaga and Broadway numbers.

4) He was a psychology major, so he can read people really, really well. And yes, he is judging you.

5) He has lived at the beach a majority of his life, and his parents bought a vacation home a couple of miles from the ocean; however, he hates sand so he avoids the beach at all costs. This paradox cracks me up for some reason.

6) He’s an excellent spooner.

7) When you’re around him, you’ll laugh until your sides hurt. Especially if you’re in a location with lots of people (ie-shopping malls, subways, restaurants). You see, Just Jack loves to people watch. So, like an eagle, he zeros in on his target, swoops down and annihilates them with witty remarks. (Not to their face, usually.)

8) If you hang out with him enough, you’ll get to know what he’s thinking by his facial expressions. Those are even funnier than his putdowns, I think.

9) He’s stellar at picking out acceptable men and dispensing relationship advice. See point #4.

10) He’ll expose you to the greatness that is the D.C. gay social scene. Show tunes Mondays, all-Britney dance parties, drag queens racing in high heels and the cheapest, strongest drinks you’ll ever consume.

Hope this provides a little more insight into the legendary Just Jack. Love you mucho, boo!

Monday, August 10, 2009

To Clarify...

So I've been asked by my coworker to clarify a few things as she was not entirely happy about my last post. Apparently I made it seem that I was disgusted at the thought of being in Adams Morgan.

Why anyone would think I could be annoyed about going in to a strip of bars dedicated to the heterosexual ritual of getting smashed while dancing to Lil Wayne and Journey and then capping off the evening with a giant slice of pizza that only costs $4 and eating it on the curb before catching a taxi to head beyond me ;) I also didn't give her a proper blog name so...

Henceforthwithandso-on my "other Jewish coworker" shall be aptly named Ms. Glickman and I have to say that despite the very nature of my being that requires me to loathe places like Adams Morgan, I actually had a pleasant time. We had a few drinks, chatted, and danced a bit to...shockingly enough Lady Gaga (which I have been listening to since June a year ago, BUT we can't all be gay and fashion/music forward...who would be left to make fun of!)

On one last note....Shopping for clothing, other than basics (i.e. undershirts, socks, etc), at places such as Target or, dare I say Walmart is not ok. Nothing says trash like checking out at register number 12 with a pair of shorts, a cami, and potting soil! 1. Get a life and 2. Go to Macy's.


Sunday, August 9, 2009

Hi my name is Just Jack and I JUST blog...

Ok people its time to recap my weekend. It was pretty fantastic but I'm glad its over and I'm decompressing at home listening to Pandora, which is currently set on my "Rent" radio station. Stop it, I'm gay...I'm totally allowed to jam out to showtunes in the comfort of my own home in just my underwear. Just let it happen, I bet you can't say you're doing anything better. Although there is an ABC Family movie on starring Ashley Slutsdale, Food Netowork Challenge, and Lifetime movie marathon (Currently playing: The Hand the Rocked the Cradle Because My Father was Verbally Abusive Which is Why I Have A Drinking Problem: The Janie Posey Story). Not quite as good as "Mother May I Sleep With Danger" starring Tori Spelling but...I'll pass to blog instead :)

I'm going to pause a moment: Pandora just started playing Sara McLachlan. Um that is not the Von Trap Children singing Do Ray Mi...get the fuck out of my face...skip; BYE! Disney's Aladdin...perfect.

Ok back to my weekend. It started off with a rather interesting time with Miss Procras at a Blogger Happy Hour. Yes, you read correctly. We thought it might be good to get together with fellow bloggers and see what's up in person. The girl who put it together, Lilu, was pretty cool. Loved the bitch's hair, but most of the people there were mad socially awkward. I mean just because you're in to blogging doesn't mean that the world still won't judge the real person you are. Maybe if you spent less time in front of your blog and more time looking in to the mirror, staying out of Kohl's, and socializing more maybe I'll give two shits about your life. Probably not, but come on! All in all it was a lot of fun and the drink specials were great. Its all going back to me focusing on my life and trying new things. I met some interesting people and, yeah, I'd do it again. I mean nothing like knowing you're the most fabulous and attractive people there to make you feel better about having emotional problems :) Oh and, another word of're not in front of a computer...when talking to fellow bloggers its not ok to introduce yourself as your blog name...that should come up in conversation later.

After that Miss Procras and I went to JR's. Then my coworker and his friend showed up and we ended up at Nellie's then dancing at Town. It was a great evening, including running in to Tortilla Strip and J-Crew. Long story short, I had a falling out with Torts and we haven't talked since. However the look on his face was priceless when J Crew gave me a hug and we danced a little. Guess're a bitch and people like me better. Anyway, that's niether here nor there. Can't be bothered with things that are going to waste my time.

Saturday rolls around and I do nothing but enjoy some pool QT time with Straight Lady and Starfish. Then I prepare for hanging out with Rabbi Steve before my other coworkers birthday celebration in Adams Morgan (vom). I won't go in to too much detail because not much transpired that I can comment on or make fun of. Well, other than he finally fixed his sideburns..they're even now. We had a few drinks, met my coworker...who is also Jewish and had a drink with her and her friends. It was a great evening, very relaxed. I did, however, decide that this guy's good for me and I'm scared shitless. But I still have my reservations...DUH! Can't be throwing myself shamelessly at boys like I have in the past. I just know that Rabbi Steve and I are at the same place as far as what we are looking for so we'll just see how it all goes. Until then I'm going to attempt not to over think things, even though we all know that's about as possible as me venturing into the Potomac Mills outlet mall...never. Going. To. Happen!

Anyway, enough about him. The more I talk about things the worse I feel when he decides we shouldn't date anymore and I have to find out via an airplane banner or some tranny shit like that. At this point folks, I'm not suprised by anything! For now I'll be content figuring things out slowly and enjoying my new body hair trimmer I acquired from Target this afternoon. Life changing. That and my Pandora Broadway station ;)



Thursday, August 6, 2009

If Facebook had a real face...I'd slap it with my Chuck Taylor's

Just had to share that Facebook, this morning, suggested I Become a Fan of Kohl's...

Yesterday it was JC Penny...

What's tomorrow going to be Facebook? Huh?! Ross? TJ Max? Wet Seal?!!!!

I had to take a minute this morning before heading off in to the world and pretending that facebook wasn't actually being a huge tranny.

In other news, the blog got a small but charming facelift; hope you like. Also Miss Procras has been invited for a guest spot on my blog so stay tuned for that. Not sure what she'll write guess will be some story that involves her not being on time to something I was planning...and, in all actuality, you may be waiting for a while on that one. :)

Peace, Love, and Egoism!


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

How lovely of you to have me on the show...

So folks, I was invited as a guest blogger on Miss Procras' blog and thought I'd post the same on mine to share with all of you that may not read hers...even though you should; its just as thought provoking ;)

Hello Fellow Miss Procras Followers! For those that don't know who I am, you can call me Just Jack. I've been asked to appear as a Guest Blogger. I, of course, was flattered but not surprised. I mean, I am fabulous and whatever I say tends to be golden...even if it is making fun of your outift! You can catch me regularly on my own blog Kiss It! Spank It! Tranny! found at Shameless plug, I know, but word of mouth advertising is always the most effective, even when most of the time the words coming out of your mouth warrant a bronzer compact flung at your face ;)

Anywho, back to the real topic of today's post: Miss Procras herself. I've had many memories created from my long-time friendship with the slut and I wouldn't trade it in for anything. We've become rather close over the past year, I think, and its made seeing her all the better. But in order to understand what we are now, you'll need to understand what were back then. And, for that, let me start at the beginning. The first time I met Miss P was at her and her roomates' Pink Party. I did not own anything pink, at the time...shocking...but you had to wear pink in order to enter the party slash get a drink. I purchased a pink Aeropostale polo (looking back in hindsight...ew) and headed over that evening to their apartment. I knew their roommate at the time and no one else really. I had met Miss P briefly before the party as we were both orientation guides that summer. Let's just say that we ended up finding each other at the party and proceeded to make fun of people and their disgusting outfits for the rest of the evening. Can we say kismet?

After that I began regularly hanging out at the apartment and became very close with their other roommate Kellsm. I was soon inducted as honorary roommate (as the fourth one was a total twat who owned a small dog that warrented nothing except the urge to throw it off the balcony). At that time I also became a member of the Pink Penthouse tribe, which will live in infamy in the form of a small wooden chair painted, by us, as an omage to our friendships, the color pink, and the memories that we carry with us to this day. It still resides, I believe, in the student lounge at JMU.

Since then Miss P and I have formed an inseperable bond; one consisting of me yelling at her for never being on time to anything, relationship advice, and, as always, help picking out an outfit and accesories for an evening out. I've been through a lot of things with her and seen her grow to the person she is today. I've seen her at her worst and have watched her triumph over some tranny bull shit that we all seem to encounter from time to time. I love me some Miss Procras, lateness and all...even when it means picking me up from the metro when I don't have a car, being a fervent supporter of the gay community by participating in Showtunes Night and the High Heel Race, or simply catching up over a glass of wine. There are very few people that affect your life in such a way that you know you want to be a part of theirs for a very long time...I said it yesterday in my blog...hold on to them because they don't come around very often.

I love you Miss P. Always remember two things 1. I've seen your boobies and 2. I'll always be around for you just like I know you will for me too!

Love, JJ

P.S. That top does not go with those jeans, I love your gold wedges, and go with the silver earings tonight ;) Oh and don't shop at Kohl's, TJ Max, Ross, Marshalls, OR Sanrio Surprise. Nothing says "disgusting tranny" like a Hello Kitty t-shirt and a plastic purse to match!

Monday, August 3, 2009

F*ing A...My Life and The Play

Well this weekend was interesting to say the least. Now I know what you're thinking...what crazy stories do I have in store for you? But settle down in your britches, nothing terribly exciting happened. It was just, interesting!

It was one of those weekends where you have ZERO plans and then all of a sudden you're booked. Straight Lady was out of town and so was Starfish so I didn't have a thing to do but Friday turned out to be wonderful. I ended up hanging out with some of my college friends that I hadn't seen in almost a year. We were all ambassadors together. If you don't know what I mean by that just know that we were totally the cool kids on campus and I totally gave tours to prospective students with my collar popped on my little purple polo. And to think I wasn't out then...what was I doing with my life?! Probably shopping at Marshall's. Vom! I try to think back and remember what I was doing with out my 28inch waist Lucky Jeans fashionable footwear. I think my first pair of rainbows occurred somewhere around senior year! Tragic hot mess = me. Good think I'm a big homo now and the fashion wand finally slapped me across the face and I wear clothes that actually fit properly! that was great seeing the girls. Saturday I was a big fat ass and ordered chinese food and watched Heroes Season 3 on netflix all day long. All day until it was ready to get showered for the first time and go out! Gross but completely satisfying! Then I met my intern for a few drinks then headed over to the ole watering hole, JRs to round out the evening with drinks with friends to catch up!

Sunday I did the same thing, I stayed in all day and watched Heroes. I attempted to go grocery shopping. I made it all the way to the check out line to discover that I did not have my wallet on me and, defeated, went home and did not return. Then I headed back downtown again to meet the Jew boy, whom henceforth shall be called Rabbi Steve, I went on a date with last Wednesday for some cocktails and to see Studio Theatre's F!ng A. Um it was not good. And by not good I mean bad. And by bad I mean if I could have left after 30 minutes I would have. We stayed through intermission and then went back and had another drink and some gelato. The best part of the evening, well not the best part, BUT we both walk in to the theatre and sure enough creepy Jew boy from my last post was in the audience. He keeps popping up EVERYWHERE! I'm telling you, start the negotiations with Chace Crawford because eventually I'm going to have a face-to-face encounter with him which will end with my body drapped over my keyboard with the letter Y scrolling across an open email.

Things are going fairly well with this one. For the first time, which still blows my mind, he brought up the "Where I'm at with things..." conversation. Granted its been 3 dates, but my stupid brain has the same thoughts after such a short period of time too. I mean, when you know you know. You either like the person and want to continue to explore or you're not feeling it and its time to move on to other paths: stop seeing each other entirely or be friends. It was just refreshing in the sense that I don't have to sit and figure it out. The cards were put on the table, which if you know me, that's the kind of person that I am. Holding back is a waste of time and I've said it before...some people call it intimidating; I call it efficiency! I still have my reservations of course, who wouldn't? While I don't think that I'll be defriended on facebook or tossed a line, we've all got baggage that doesn't go away just because you meet someone new and exciting. The last person that I got butterflies thinking about the next time we were going to talk was Rescue Me Joe and we all know how that ended.

I think that we'll have a really good relationship whether that will be dating, friendship, or otherwise...its rare to find good people so its important to hold on to them when you do! So who knows, we'll see what happens. As far as I can tell there's a fourth date in the works and, in the meantime I'm trying NOT to be that girl from "He's Just Not That Into You." If you've seen the movie you know exactly what I'm talking about, if you haven't just know that she's a really great girl that over analyzes everything and then gets upset when it doesn't work out. I'm through with stressing myself out over it...Phillipe, Georgio, and Armand don't need more company. (Those are the names I gave to the 3 grey hairs I have on my head).

Anyway that's all...really lame post I know but I've been invited as a guest blogger on Miss Procras's blog so that should be terribly more exciting! I haven't decided what I'd like to guest blog about. Suggestions from Miss Procras included her fabulous dress, her inability to be on time to anything I tell her to be, and how we met. All good things and will probably end up being a conglomeration of all three! Keep your eyes peeled and your ass out of Kohls!