Monday, September 21, 2009

"Practice your curtsy for the Queen..."

Ok folks, I've been missing in action before just as I've been missing in action now. Slap my wrist, spank my ass and call me a sloot. Well, don't really call me a sloot; goodness knows if that was the reason I haven't been writing then you should be rejoicing. Instead I've been completely engrossed in work for the past month and haven't found the time nor the energy to write about anything worth reading. I don't do boring and, hopefully, neither do you. Unless of course you enjoy many quiet evenings at home with your cat and your newly purchased pumps from Target that you acquired at the same time as your monthly tampon supply and potting soil! As boring as that is to most of you, I have a different experience. In the past month I've worked Shakespeare Theatre's Free for All (amazing), put together a 20 year history slide show of the company using Mac programs that I had no familiarity with (enlightening), met Helen Mirren and Dominic Cooper (breathtaking and tingle inducing), and am now gearing up for escorting the Biden's around (kind of really cool). I have to take the perks where I can get them and I've been told that I name drop a lot. To my defense, not having a boyfriend, sex life, or prospects of any kind this is all I got so take it bitches or leave it :)

I believe, in my last post, that I stated I was going celibate and have stayed true to that. I mentioned, or maybe I didn't that I wasn't going to go to a gay bar as long as possible. Well, that didn't last very long BUT I've stayed true to not putting myself out there and trying to meet people. I'm still a lonely guy but I'm still focusing on fixing myself and getting my life back to a place that I can be at ease about.

I did have a small slip but, I think a good one. I sent The Ex a facebook message. Pathetic, I know...but part of me needed to do it to get the final say. If you know me well enough you'll know that I always have the last word whether I'm wrong or right in the situation. So yeah, I sent him a message explaining that I'm tying a bookend to certain parts of my life. I wrote it expecting one of 3 things: 1. Getting a response in the positive. "I miss you. I was stupid. Let's have coffee and talk about this. 2. A thank you for my honesty and words, however, nothing has changed for me. and 3. Nothing at all.

Let's all guess what my response was. Oh, come one. Its not that difficult and I can't be made to feel any less or more than what I've already set my mind to...soooo guess.

It was 3. Nothing. Nada. Thanks for playing. Don't come again. Go away. All of the above.

For a hot second I was pretty torn up about it. Then I realized the reason I sent the message in the first place. It wasn't to illicit a response. It was to get all that I wanted off my chest and finally get the fuck on with my life. In retrospect I'm glad there wasn't a response. It finally proved to me that nothing is going to change on that end, and even though I still love the idea of the life I had when I "thought" I was happy is gone and isn't coming back. And you know what, I'm better off for it. I've seen The Ex since and I thought I would want to throw up in my mouth but I was OK. Shocking. I think the thing that bothers me now that I didn't realize before, is that I don't miss The Ex, I miss the idea of what I had with him and what I was looking for constantly over the past year and a half.

Its time to stop looking for Mr. Right and start living life.

I may be half in the bottle right now typing this but, isn't that what blogging is about. To dump one's thoughts and emotions into writing in hopes that you'll get it all off your chest. Well, friends, its working. My life is turning a corner and I'm ready.

On a side note Grey's Anatomy starts this week, I'm moving in to a new place closer to work, and I'm setting goals and reaching them. Am I still lonely? Of course. I haven't met one person that is single that doesn't think about that perfect relationship. I don't ask for a lot but I won't compromise on what I want. Get on board, or get out of my way. I suggest you do the same. Time is against us, gay or straight, but it doesn't have to be an uphill battle. Find meaning in things that make you happy and change the things that you can.

If its one thing I've learned the past year and a half, is that people come and go as quickly as a one night stand; but, in the grand scheme of it all it doesn't have to rule your life or how you live it.

Here's to better postings about the season to come. I can feel the Fall fashions of leggings, eskimo boots, and inappropriately worn scarves coming to fruition. Watch out. No one is safe. Including Straight Lady and the recently discovered, knock-off version of pink Crocs I found in her car.

I know, sinful.

Just Jack

1 comment:

LiLu said...